Sunday, December 26, 2010

2011

It's almost a new year, and with a new year comes the standard need to assume that after January 1st everything will change monumental. Like every year this will be followed in February with millions of gym cancellations and the realization that "it's really not that much different," but you'll still have to consciously force yourself to not write 2010. That is of course until March when you finally get the whole 2011 concept into your head and begin to think of where the next save point it is (hint: not till thanksgiving). March of course is just the beginning of the blur of ApMJJuAUgSeptOct and then its November again and your a year older and the government just passed some moronic legislation and the newest craze on the Internet is some rabbit foaming at the mouth while speaking in a British accent (I have no plans on making this clip so feel free to steal my idea). Then it's December and you don't know what to get anyone for Christmas your facebook friend count has increased by 10% yet the people you actually talk to is down 15%, so overall your in the red. Thank God its almost New Years so you can start anew and hope for something better in 2012.
This Goldfish has 161 friends, so that's how many friends you must deduct to get your "REAL FRIEND" total. That leaves me with 118 (still way too high). and FB deletes fake profiles, ha. STMTZ

But before we board that train lets go over what is going to "change" the world next year, and what's going to stay exactly the same.

Early in the year, Wikileaks says it will release documents on a bank. This will go according to plan and the entire main stream media will run stories on the leaked documents for a week NON-STOP. However, in the end the bank will act like they care, some people will stand up against the bank, and by the 10th day the entire world will return to what is was doing with no positive or negative outcome to speak of.

As we enter into the spring break season, we will be bombarded with stories telling us how unsafe it is to travel ANYWHERE in the world, this will continue through summer, with extreme examples played out as if they are the norm of any Americans travels abroad.
What do you think the photojournalists wife thinks when she sees pictures like this. And what about the unpublished ones, scandalous. STMTZ


Summer will come and it will get hot outside, if its unseasonably mild it's because of climate change if it's unusually warm it's because of global warming. We will have some natural disasters, that some will think are signs of the end times, and others will blame on climate change, ignoring that it's a cyclical event that has happened for centuries, but that the difference now is we build resorts right in dangers way so that they can be easily destroyed and so insurance companies can claim to have a purpose other then giving community college graduates a job.

On the climate change front, electric cars will start being seen in the United States, Tom Cruise and some other celebrities will buy them along with eccentric folks.
Not these guys, they already got their ride. They own a Rolls Royce as well, it's filled with junk. Look at the man in the van stare, like being a man driving van isn't ten times as embarrassing as being an eccentric gay couple. STMTZ
The government will talk a lot about alternative energies and give a lot of tax dollars to friends of theirs who will make, at best, small insignificant changes to the generation of electricity, which will have no lasting affect.

We will have at least four different recalls on food involving contamination in 10 or more states. We will also have some pandemic (or at least the media will act like it's a pandemic) outbreak of some virus no one ever heard of but probably will be called Mouse Flu, it will kill 10 old people in El Paso, whom weren't even expected to make it to 2008 let alone mid 2011 and the nation will flip out and slaughter lots of mice.
This man's show will be canceled when, by episode 3 all the rednecks in the flyover states get sick of seeing just "more mice dying, if I wanted to see mice die , I'd watch the mouse traps. Get-R-Done". STMTZ
Then it's hurricane season, where the news will act like every cloud over the Atlantic is going to be another Katrina, which gives them reason to cut to clips we've all seen 6000 times, while ignoring that some island near China, something like, Mall of Asia, is now underwater.
Does this NOT constitute as copyright infringement. It even has 13 stripes, I'm going to need a compelling back story to believe they didn't just go, "Let's make 50 stars into 1 star and a moon, then its not the "exact" same design." STMTZ

No one in America will care, until three days after the fact when Angelina Jolie tells us all to care, then America will go over and help, spurring the middle of America to scream in unison, "well why are we spending our tax dollars on them, where were they when Katrina hit," bringing the whole paragraph full circle and allowing me to move on.

Winter will come and it will snow, all the electric cars will be useless against the onslaught of snow and cold and will be stored in the garage while their rich owners drive their SUV's "Just for the winter, it's safer," creating an overall balance of their carbon footprint throughout the year, but allowing them to be just a little more pompous. 

People will spend a lot of money on Christmas, this will save the retail stores, who will claim that they plan on keeping on up to 70% of their seasonal employees, only to let them all go and fire an additional 5%, because the CEO is sick of flying in a G4 and would prefer to move up like a G6, like a G6, like a G6.
Why does no one wanna be fly like a HondaJet? STMTZ
That brings me back to pop music, which will all sound identical, in fact some nobody who currently is in grooming will come out and be the next big hit, Lady Gaga will continue to be a weirdo, Taylor will scare off more boys and then call them jerks in her songs, Demi Lovato is shaping up to be the new Lindsey, and the world of Pop goes on.

All I see when I look at this photo is Haley Williams and "That Guy." STMTZ
And last but not least, we finally see the exodus from facebook, as everyone slowly begins to realize that nothing about Facebook is revolutionary or necessary, Groupon fails as everyone realizes that coupons have always existed and as business owners realize they don't need to pay to give shit away. Foursquare and all those other completely and utter moronic apps fall by the way side as some other, even more idiotic idea takes hold, and by takes hold I mean has 1million "users" most of whom are just trying to figure out what the hell it is because the media is flipping out like telling everyone "I just ate pizza" is new and exciting.

But the biggest change of all? The most shocking thing that will happen in 2011?
Somehow, despite all the "proof" that the world is coming to an end and that the powers to be are destroying the world, everything will stay just as normal and repetitively boring as in 2010, 2009,2008,2007,2006,2005....
New Years=Try again, but this is try again on the final level where you keep getting beat, hell you've only got one hit in the last 23 tries why do you even bother. STMTZ



STMTZ

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