Saturday, January 29, 2011

Baby Names

A person's name is the most important thing they are given in life. While statistically it may not determine their chances of success (freakonomics) it is still a huge factor in how one perceives themselves and is perceived by the world. Naming your daughter Destiny or Candy may not guarantee she will enter the adult entertainment industry, but it sure is going to make landing an interview at a highly reputable law firm just a tad bit harder.

Not all names are created equal
Some people might like to pretend that a person's name doesn't stereotype that person for life, but these people are full of shit. An extreme example, to prove my point, Adolf...
Adolf Hitler Cambell and his parents that state "They're just names, you know, yeah, they (the Nazis) were bad people back then. But my kids are little. They're not going to grow up like that." That's reassuring coming from a man who named his other children JoyceLynn Aryan Nation and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie.
...if this kid is forced to grow up with this name he will constantly be given strange looks and have to repeat the whole story every time his buddies bring home some people from the pub. We all do it, judge people by their names, who didn't assume upon hearing the name Ke$ha that she was black? Does this make us all racists? No, we just make assumptions based on our previous experiences, Kesha sounds black, as does Beyonce and Ciera. At the same time mistaking the name Kelly Roland for a white singer wouldn't be too far of a stretch if you never saw her or heard her or knew anything about her. Selena (the one who got killed) is a pretty easy leap to her Hispanic ancestry.
Same goes for Ms. Gomez, except the whole last name kinda just negates the necessity to stereotype the first.
So I can confidently state that YES names do play a role in how the world perceives you. While you can overcome this obstacle, life is hard enough without having to prove you're not a hooker because your name is Precious.

Choosing a Baby Name
Having spent far more time around new born children than seems sanitary, I can tell you that virtually every high-schooler in 2025 will have the name (girl) Isabella, Olivia or Sofia (boy) Aiden, Jacob or Jayden (upon searching this I found I named the top 3 girls names and 1,2,5 boys names for 2010. seriously!). Apparently now that being identical to everyone else is the trend we have decided to ruin the future teachers of America sanity by mass producing identical names. And before we leave the subject spelling a name different does NOT make a name unique it just pisses everyone off who has to figure out 11 ways to spell Jacob.
Jacob, Jaycob, Jakub, Jakeb, Jaykob, Jacobe, Jacub,Jaicob,Jaykub,Jakeob,Jaocb (this one just seems like lazy spelling)
Don't be stupid
So you want to go to the other extreme and name your baby a super unique name. Fine, just please remember people have to be able to pronounce it and it doesn't hurt to at least give your kid a chance at not being mocked. Their is a girl name La-A that is her legal birth name, this infuriates me to such a degree I will just allow you to figure out how to pronounce it yourself.
Parents please remember your child will grow up and become an adult. It will cease to be cute when Sparrow grows up to be an obese bald man talking to himself in line at Wal-Mart. Plus, if I was a bouncer I would probably never allow anyone with a fake looking name into a bar, just for the simple fake I wouldn't want to be getting mocked for falling for the "McLovin'" ID. So consider that parents, when your kid finally wants to see some boobies at the local strip club (because no one is hooking up with the moron name Bullwinkle) he may likely be denied entrance. The last straw as he takes his life, or more logically changes his name to Samuel because you were to much of an ass to figure out he wouldn't be cute forever.
Above: Aiden developing erotic asphyxiation fetish
If you take any naming advice from celebrities than you probably are already consuming the same combination of drugs that make them think these names are cool. If you are a celebrity the only logical thing to do upon having a child is to look around and name you kid after the first thing you see. Gwyneth had a basket of fruit in the delivery room, and having been to busy to decide a name over the past 9 months was stuck between Orange, Banana and Apple. Lucky for Apple her mom made the best choice of the Available options.
Nicole Richie claims that her son is named after a pirate, and while this seems irresponsible at best, it sure does beat admitting to the world you misidentified the bird on the windowsill of your hospital room. No one is quite sure about her daughters name but my theory is that Paris was in the room and Nicole's pain killers kicked in just as she was finishing the child's name.
Kids got off easy, if it wasn't for the drugs and Nicole's lack of Avian knowledge these kids would be doomed. Oh and being the children of rich millionaires also helps.
What name to pick?
So after all the names not to pick you probably expect me to tell you what names are good names. My basic premise is just pick something that sounds cool, but doesn't sound like a disease. You can make up any name you want, seriously, but don't spell it stupid. Don't name your kids after animals or inanimate objects. And if all else fails just think about all the hundreds of names you already know and use one of those. Don't pick a name cause it's trendy, then your kid will just be Sophia S. or Brenden 3. Ultimately like I said pick a name that sounds good, it can be unique but just make sure it's not stupid, ask your friends and family hopefully they will be honest enough to laugh at your stupid suggestions and bring you back to reality, if not your S.O.L.

As seen on Cracked:


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