Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Hipster Evolution

The study of Hipster Evolution is an ongoing series of scientific observations. Hipster's behaviors and patterns have become increasingly easy to predict and scientists hope they will all just go away...before someone gets their feelings hurt.
Stage 1-Emo/Nerd (Plus the Juxtaposition of these two was funny)
Stage 2-Hipster (and why doesn't someone remove them from society?)
Stage 3: Yuppie (You know mom has some "stories" to tell)
The origin of Hipsters is hard to pin down. Some theorize that they are simply former emo kids suffering from a common side effect of Prozac, while still others state they are former preps attempting to embarrass their wealthy parents by dressing like they are homeless. Even more theories claim everything from geeks who weren't actually good at anything to losers who took moving out of their parents house as a chance to re-invent themselves as assholes (because assholes get all the girls is the leading theory on why this makes any sense at all). Ultimately all of these theories combine to form the masses of Hipsterdom.

The term Hipster, as in describing flannel wearing strongly opinionated obtusely trendy arrogant trust fund babies,  is relatively new term, you may have formerly called them "artsy kids who aren't actually good at art," coffee shop kids, lumberjacks or the old stand-by loser.
Not just my opinion, there is a whole movie based on this, made in 2000!
Hipsters hang out at small coffee shops. They own a Mac computer, not because they do advanced video editing or anything, basically all they do is listen to crappy music and surf the Internet for vintage clothing, but Mac's look cooler so you can't own anything but the latest one. In fact you can't own any technology not made by Apple which causes problems when it comes time to reheat their vegan Indian food. Apparently Hipsters spend so much of their money keeping up with Apple's latest piece of equipment that they can't afford clothing made in the past 30 years and our forced to root through their parents old clothing and shop at thrift stores. However, if they find a particularly trendy accessory they will spend the rest of their dead grandmother's inheritance for the piece.
Because spending a lot of money to look poor is ironic!...right?
Hipsters have a variety of natural enemies in the world. In fact if a hipster were to wonder to far from either ocean they could easily risk being confused with a time traveler and be swiftly hog tied in the back of Jed's F-150. However, Hipsters aren't all love, they especially hate preps or frat/sorority girls (not that this isn't justified) probably because these are the people who taunted them into an adolescence of obscurity that ultimately lead to butterflying upon gaining independence. Every other group is considered lowly and "trying to fit in" by Hipsters and are subjugated to the unmentionable category along with corporations, non-green transportation and why they cry themselves to sleep every night. 

But eventually Hipster's begin to evolve yet again...
Man I miss Pokemon!
Although Hipster's evolved from a variety of different sub species, all Hipsters have the same path forward in life. Hipsters eventually have to grow up, and of course grow up means get an entry level cubicle job, upon the realization that only Ke$ha still likes beards, they promptly shave. Female hipsters dye their hair back to one color and remove the facial piercing they've been hiding from their mom for 4 years. Having lost their protective coating they are instantly seduced by their former enemy, the sorority girl/frat boy. They maintain some of their characteristics by purchasing a Volvo or VW, however this does little to slow the transformation. As time moves on they become adsorbed in the suburban landscape and get married, while on their honeymoon, to some generic island, they complete their transformation.
I destroyed the economy, but it's OK because I am leader of a local philanthropy that helps people I wouldn't feel comfortable seeing within 10 miles of my neighborhood...SMILES. 
They return home a Yuppie (Marriage is a prerequisite for Yuppidom however divorced and/or widowed is acceptable), they have children and join the PTA with former sorority girls and play a round every Thursday with their new neighbors. Without knowing it they have becoming completely anonymous to the world save a few neighbors and a couple people at the office.
I define this as "success." If I stand on my toes I can see outside!
The kids grow older and hate their loser parents, who now spend their days wondering what happened to all the underground music and the mustaches. They slowly wither away become crazy conservative nut bags who are convinced the liberals are out to steal their medicare and set up death panels to kill old people. Then they die, but don't worry their kids and the kids of millions of others grow and become the next generation of super trendy arrogant pricks who think they are better than everyone and make sure you know it.

Also on Cracked: http://www.cracked.com/funny-7291-hipster-evolution/#ixzz1CO6bZw1o

60 comments:

  1. haha. this blog deserves a standing ovation. i was reading this and bam!! the so called hipster kids at my school popped in my mind. all own macs. listen to crappy music. buy skinny jeans and wear them a bit higher so that their so called "cool" socks show and wear them as high pants. think they are the only ones who read Frankie magazine. pretend to be easy breezy. being bought everything by mummy and daddy lol and practically think that they own the rights to owning apple brands and go absolutely ape shit when someone else does. and they look like SHIT and HOBBOS...saying this is even an offence to hobbos. love this blog. it made me laugh so hard ^_^

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  2. This is completely accurate. First, they try to be emos/nerd was amazing. This blog is just amazing. xD

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  3. What the fuck is a hobbo?
    The first commenter is retarded.

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  4. Dear anonymous-3,

    I am not sure whether Anonymous-1 meant "hobo" or whether they were using the slag term "hobbo" which urban dictionary defines as

    1) A lower form of dork; one who sucks assloads. 2) any person who sucks in larger than average ways. (see also: "livejournal whores") plural= hobbos

    Although this seems to be a joke amongst a couple friends, and it's more likely they just made a typo and that you're an asshole.

    Sincerely,

    STMTZ

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  5. I was always looking for a word to describe these people.

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  6. those are actually wanna be "hipsters" real hipsters buy almost all their clothes from thrift stores, and they don't like anything mainstream, the whole emo thing didn't make sence to me because "hipster" and "emo" are two groups that have one thing in common... skinny jeans. so i don't really understand this? but if you where just trying to be an asshole and judge people when you're probably a wack off yourself then good job you succeded! thumbs up.

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    1. Im with you dude/dudette. This whole thing was very ignorant and very offenssive. I dress like a "hipster" but im very independant and open minded..

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  7. I agree with the anonymous poster on July 18th. This just seems stupid and judgmental, but whatever to each their own. You also forgot to mention that "Hipsters" are open-minded and independent thinkers - which is something they share in common with hippies. Maybe you're just too engulfed in society's definition of who you're supposed to be and that's why you reject the hipster lifestyle. ;) Urban Dictionary's definition of hipster is much better IMO.

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  8. "[To Hipsters] Every other group is considered lowly and "trying to fit in" by Hipsters and are subjugated to the unmentionable category along with corporations, non-green transportation and why they cry themselves to sleep every night."

    That probably explains why I am a "wack [sic] off."

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  9. I'm not sure if you're being serious cause you winked. But if anyone is "engulfed" in a definition of who you're supposed to be, it would be a group of people who feel you have to look a certain way and spend so much time trying to be trendy.

    But then again most people are trying to fit in, just with different groups.

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  10. When it comes down to it everyone's different and everyone has different lifestyles, dress styles, and tastes. so the best we can do is just not judge them for the way they chose to live.

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  11. it seems to me like you are a stuck up bitch who looks down on everyone, so its funny that you judge hipsters because apparently they look down on people. its pretty ironic to think your better then someone because they think they are better then people haha your just like them. But wait, now i am looking down on you for looking down on people who look down on people. Does this make me a hipster? haha dont hate

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  12. At least you said it before I had to.

    "But wait, now i am looking down on you for looking down on people who look down on people. Does this make me a hipster? haha dont hate "

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  13. Maybe people should live their own lives instead of worrying about what other people think, it's okay to want acceptance but... everyone on this page takes that too far, and i assume that's why anyone else bothered posting. I am completely serious, and i think for your own good that your yearning for acceptance could be better directed at a life partner or something.

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  14. dear writer of this blog,
    i dont care, your being the hipster! i mean come on you have a blogger! only the biggest hipsters who want to be vintage have bloggers, because everyone knows tumblr is goint straight down the tubes with all the scene kids on it these days! so like whatever,your blog isnt razzle... like you would know what that means.

    razzle dazzle @)
    -st. muno

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  15. Sadly Saint Muno I don't know what being razzle means...But I want to be it because I apparently am not it, or rather my blog is not it which saddens me.

    I don't like being sad

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  16. Good blog, but the majority of the people who comment seem to be quasi-literate and deeply, deeply confused...

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  17. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  18. hipsters originated in the 1940's jazz scene, middle class white kids associating themselves with the mostly black scene. they have evolved from that to be fans of other indie music/film etc. theyre just a group, doing their own thing... love them or hate them, thats how it is... if you dont like them thinking theyre better than you, dont think youre better than them...

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  19. I sometimes get described as a hipster.. But i still totally agree with this blog.
    @that idiot: Scene kids/emos DID evolve into hipsters. All the kids at my school who are hipsters still slit their wrists from the last trend they dived into. Ever noticed the band posters on hipsters walls? Emo right there. The hair dye, the piercings, stretchings... all emo. oh. and skinny jeans.
    all the hating on this blog can only come from hipsters. i hate hipsters (the way they act) but some hipsters fashion is alright with the exception of williamsburg hipsters.

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  20. And of course a hipster would take offence. Pretentious dicks. Life must be so hard living off of mummy and daddy...

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  21. This blog is actually spot on. I go to art school and there's a whole bunch of these 'tards there. They strut around like they own the place, look down their noses at you and treat you like shit because you're not one of them. I think it's pathetic.

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  22. Omg people dont know what a hobo is?! wtf its a bum someone that looks generally poor kind of a dirty looking person no offense in any way

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  23. i swear to god you people have no lifes so stop judging us hipsters i mean god damn look at the times you people comment.. if you have an easy life which is rare stop bitching.. its a stage you old fags.

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  24. hipsters gonna hipst.

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  25. I felt that being in the Mecca of Hipsterdom, Oregon, required a comment...

    I further dislike them...

    that is all

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  26. Uhm.. Just saying. I like the blog and all.. except for the part about Conservatives. I'm a conservative and that's just down right stupid. But other than that its really funny and really good!

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  27. In case the Ron Paul banner didn't give it away, I am also a conservative. It was less a stab at conservativism then at crazy old kooks

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  28. why do all loseers get their quotes from wikipedia?

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  29. i don't like how people think all Hipsters are snobby and looking down at people. i mean i get told i'm a hipster but it's pretty much the style that's now going around and i like it. Free country man. Basically not all hipsters are like this so stop judging them as some horrible person. And i probably is a fad but aren't all stereotypes?

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  30. haha, good read, and good sense of humour STMTZ, hipsters if asked if they're hipsters will never ever admit they ARE hipsters, not sure if I agree with theory that Emo and Scene evolved into hipsters, this kind of fashion is becoming more and more mainstream, look at Topshop, and all designers this year; and hipsters according to your theory would rather poke themselves in the eye than be seen in anything from the high street. but it was 20 minutes worth spent. subscribed lol :>

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  31. I'm not a hispter, but I do like to dress my dick up in bowties.

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  32. They're more like posers than hipsters. Kids and their phases. XD

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  33. You old people. So if apparently, according to this accomplished man on the internet, being an emo, a hipster, a mainstream bitch, and a nerd is wrong, what are us, the obvious idiots, supposed to be? Conservatives? Labels make me sick, because they are used by people like you.

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  34. What is wrong with being a nerd! I never said such a thing!

    People can be whatever they want!

    It's a fucking joke! A HAHA just playing around joke, just like this...

    The next person to write some garbage on this article, I will hunt you down and make you watch as I eat your liver (the most nutritious part of the human body according to Shaun.)

    Just laugh and move on damnit...or don't laugh see if I care, I won't.

    As to everyone else, thank you for reading, and hopefully you laughed, and tell your friends because I need attention, DUH!

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  35. Back when I was in college ('06ish) my friends and I tried to make a documentary called "Finding Emo". We scoured all the malls dark shady coves beside skate parks and found there were none around. Shortly after we realized there was an abundance of plaid lurking everywhere.

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  36. I would have loved to watch you Documentary, I am sorry that emos went extinct before you could capture them in their natural environment.

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  37. Pokemon hasn't gone anywhere dumbass

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  38. I LOVE POKEMON! I just meant I miss playing it! Yes, I still have silver in my GB color and play it from time to time!

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  39. This article literally has no idea what it's on about. Emo was never related to hipster on any levekl. Just another dork bitter that he's down with the cool kids.

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  40. Perhaps you are blithely unaware of the fact that you're actually the one judging multiple groups of people in this article. Seeing as you hate emos, hipsters, frat boys/sorority girls, nerds, bitches, and I'm assuming the entire human race, I feel deeply sorry for you. I'm sorry that no one is good enough for you or meets your standards. I wish you the best of luck in life. You'll need it.

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  41. People are people. We ALL belong to some sect of society -- some consciously, and some subconsciously. I have learned that those you hate often embody something within yourself that you will not acknowledged or are uncomfortable with. As well, what one chooses to wear and the music one listens to does not determine their worth as a person. People always feel quick to attack hipster, emo, etc because they are safe targets and easy to poke fun at. I am not a hipster, or much of anything at that, but I guarantee I am not out trying to bring down hipsters or anyone else. We always feel so quick to want to label something.You seem to have an issue with a group of people that do not have an issue with you. You need to ask yourself why.

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  42. And for those of you who attack people for having money. That is NOT fair. When my parents divorced, I had to live in homeless shelters until I found a way out. I am successful in life now -- but even so, the fact that someones parents have money does not mean they are fair game to be targeted and made fun of. That is awful.

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  43. And now I am judging you...who uses the word "blithely"?

    No one that is who!

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  44. hipster chicks are hot

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  45. I'm just glad to know i'm not the only one who finds this blog to be mean and judgemental. give the hipsters a break. People cuss them because it's fasionable to hate on hipsters.
    It seems to me to be classism working the other way round, like working class kids judging most middle class kids who they percieve as snooty high minded hipsters, then all the other middle class kids start hating on hipsters because they want to fit in and distance themselves from a disliked sub genre. It's quite possible that when you look at it this way that their are no such thing as hipsters, just the apparently overpriveledged middle class boogeyman who people need to resent for having whatever it is they dont have.
    It's just a sad psychological fact that people who come from other walks of life tend resent and judge each other first before actually making the effort to get along. Try taking people as you find them and you'll find you get a lot more out them, and if you don't then they're probably quite resentful and unpleasant and not worth talking to.

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  46. Why are there so many grammatical and spelling errors in this fantastic article? ... My inner nazi is confused. >.<

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  47. hahaha this is hilarious. i get described as a hipster sometimes! Except i love everybody (:

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  48. i think people are just jealous of hipster because they have swag pumping out of them, not their fault most of society doesn't have the balls to actually step out of the box.

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  49. Swag pumping out of them? HA! Hipsters today's were the 80's preppies.

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  50. hipsters are fun to hang with, cool funny people. i dont know what yall are talkin bout. they are almost easy to get along with and go along with the flow.

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  51. *****I'm just glad to know i'm not the only one who finds this blog to be mean and judgemental. give the hipsters a break. People cuss them because it's fasionable to hate on hipsters.
    It seems to me to be classism working the other way round, like working class kids judging most middle class kids who they percieve as snooty high minded hipsters, then all the other middle class kids start hating on hipsters because they want to fit in and distance themselves from a disliked sub genre. It's quite possible that when you look at it this way that their are no such thing as hipsters, just the apparently overpriveledged middle class boogeyman who people need to resent for having whatever it is they dont have.
    It's just a sad psychological fact that people who come from other walks of life tend resent and judge each other first before actually making the effort to get along.*****5stars

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  52. "Not just my opinion, theirs a whole movie based on this, made in 2000!"

    As much as I like this, any point you make is invalid due to this juvenile grammar mistake that any one in the writing business should know not to make. "Pro-Bloggers" included.

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  53. honestly i found their fashion to be nice to look at. although i prefer not to hangout with them.

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  54. haha this is funny.. but seriously, hipsters are better than everyone else.. just saying.

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  55. I got high turned off the lights in my closet and got dressed in the dark, when I came out of the closet (no homo) I was dressed like a hipster, I almost died from laughing

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    1. If I did the same I'd come out dressed like a 12year old...or wait, that's what I dress like anyways....

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  56. The fact that people would spend this much time to blog about looking down on people who look down on people is pathetic and hypocritical... I am considered a hipster simply because I get my clothes from thrift stores on my own money which I have little of and don't like the typical mainstream 107.9 music which repeats songs every 15 minutes... but I guess that means I automatically look down on people?

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  57. Haha this is pure gold!! f..king hate hipsters little smug mummy and daddies little grammar school angels tryna be all poor and alternative grow up and stop following ur gay little trends. drain pipe jeans or 'high' pants low shorts/leggings haha muppets low cut t shirts with very own asswipe tail on the back with no frame reading glasses. haha muppets love hating u muggey little twats.

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