Saturday, January 15, 2011

Super Powers

"If you could have any superpower, what would you choose?"

This question has been posed to millions of people billions of times, in a quick count I think I have answered this question to around 95 different people throughout my life.

~Even Dane Cook got in on the power of this question suggesting he would shot spaghetti out of his fingers. Obviously Mr. Cook does not understand the severity of this query, or that he could feed millions of starving children with his manipulation of complex carbs.~
I'm not sure if the meatballs are cheeks or boobs.
I have answered this question with a few answers, the most popular being, flying, invisibility,super strength and of course the ability to have indestructible claws. The answers differed over time based on how I was feeling at the time, indestructible claws probably meant I was at least mildly perturbed, or what came to mind the quickest. Because of this I felt I needed to do a better analysis of the pros and cons of a variety of super powers to determine the best overall power for me.

The question posed makes it clear that you get ONE power, not a slew like the afore-articled, Superman. So from that limitation, let us begin.

I have always been a fan of Spider-Man, because it was easy for me to fantasize about being bitten by a spider and then kicking everybody's ass. But Peter Parker's main power, the ability to scale the sides of buildings, is kind of useless in the overall scheme of powers, Obviously this power is instantly one-upped by the ability to fly.

Then their is Batman, whose only power is of course being rich, and yes having unlimited access to scores of Russian ballets dancers has definite advantages it doesn't really count to begin with so lets just pretend this paragraph doesn't exist.
I'm on a boat...but not for long
Being the Hulk seems to come with a plethora of questions about how to handle oneself in rush hour traffic and how you can manage to keep a job when every-time your boss tells you to do something you turn into a giant green muscle with no control over his emotions. So basically you would become a homeless freak who would just terrorize cities and well that's just not how I picture my playboy superhero life.

To me the best place to look for awesome powers to emulate is the X-men, because theirs pretty much everything you could possibly think of represented. As I mentioned before Wolverine's Adamantium claws have their obvious perks, but his man power is regeneration, and well living forever seems a sweet deal, I tend to disagree, watching scores of people die around you over and over and over and over, would eventually get pretty depressing. Now the claws would be a sweet power by themselves, but the overall applicability of them seems pretty slim, and basically they would just become a nuisance and something your friends asked you to see every time the got drunk. Cyclopes eye looks pretty sweet, but wearing red glasses all the time you get annoying and constantly destroying shit by accident would make you a menace to society.
This is the result when you pose the superpower question to a mentally unstable person.

Night Crawler has a power I like a lot and may take as my own, teleportation, I really have nothing negative to say about this power, in fact it has everything I demand from a power, the ability to get money, cause I am not working if I have a power, the ability to travel around the world quickly, and the ability to show off my power, because whats the use of hiding your power.

Before I conclude with what power I would choose, I must mention the number one most useful mutant who totally underutilized her powers.
Storm, the women can control the weather, she could easily feed millions of people by giving them rain, save millions more by preventing or redirecting hurricanes, tornadoes and floods. Basically if Storm was around she could stop almost all natural disasters and feed the world, single-handedly.  She really needs to reevaluate her stance as a teacher of spoiled useless mutants.
Maybe she has a low self esteem, and that's why she dresses that way and squanders her powers.
My power, after about 2 hrs of staring at the ceiling, is limited by only one thing physics and would allow me to be rich, travel and do whatever the hell I pleased. The ability to transform any object into another object.  This of course would need mass to mass equivalents so no turning mice into velcioraptors but I could easily turn a broken down ford truck into a McLaren F1, and with the remaining mass create two women to occupy the seats and a stack of $100's in the cargo hold for when we want some cheeseburgers. (food created from something else tends to taste like the previous object, so just make some money and go buy yourself a nice meal.)
The F1 demands you have two equally weighted women for optimal performance.
I could easily turn a pile of rocks into a space shuttle or because I can make ANYTHING I could just invent a teleporter. I could always just make whatever I needed and make money for anything I felt compelled to purchase.

In conclusion that is my power, if your wondering how I would use said power to fight evil you are both not being imaginative enough and not understanding that I would be using my power for selfish reasons. That of course doesn't mean I wouldn't give every homeless man I passed a new set of cloths and a pile of freshly "minted" cash, and that I wouldn't fly (or teleport if I was in a rush) around the world and help rebuild after disasters and make food for the masses. Just that at the end of the day I would happily sit in my Mansion on the Moon with my servants (made out of old tires) and enjoy the life of the greatest human to ever exist.
I decided I would replicate the Playboy Mansion inside the moon, cause I can do that. (laziest photoshop ever?)


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