Sunday, January 30, 2011

The Total Transformation Program

Tired of your child thinking for themselves?
Tired of constantly having to be a parent?
Tired of your child acting like a kid?
Desperate for a solution to your child's behavior problems?
Try Brainwashing!!!

Their use to be a time when parents raised their children, and when they hit a wall they went to relatives and friends to gather advice. But now you can bypass all of those awkward conversations and admitting that you may not be perfect by simply purchasing a kit that will brainwash you kid into being subservient to your demands.

Wearing an apron! I think not! You deserve Gucci and Prada like the "Real Housewives."
 With The Total Transformation Program you can avoid ever having to bother with actually dealing with deep seeded emotional problems and get back to the soccer mom life you always wanted, watching soup operas and using your kids as indentured servants to do all the work your husband expects you to do. Hell, it even saves you money on maids and landscaping!

"But what if my kid isn't a moron and realizes I am trying to manipulate them?"
Don't worry, with our money back guarantee, if you discover you kid isn't receptive to the treatment you can send it back for a full refund. (We can not guarantee that upon realization that you're trying to brainwash your kids that they won't completely distrust you and you will lose any control you did have. Use at your own risk.)

"My kid has ADD, ADHD, ODD, Anger Management issues and Schizophrenia. Will this program help?"
Psychologists are just people who weren't any good at school but whose parents made them go to college so they picked a nonsensical major anyways. So why trust them or anyone else with dealing with your child's mental instability. It's CHEAPER and SAFER for you to use our program to control your kids behavior because even though you clearly have not managed to even remotely succeed at being a parent thus far with our program you can legitimately earn that "World's #1 Mom" mug you bought yourself last mothers day.
You bought this to make yourself feel better, but it just made you feel worse.
It's only $327 +$19s/h (we will break this down to three payments of $109, because we realize you considering to buy this program statistically means your too lazy to pick up a calculator and will just assume it's a bargain) , and you will no longer be bogged down with the responsibility of raising a productive member of society. Hell for that money if your child ends up becoming a threat you can always just blame it on us (not legally of course but to your friends although if you bad mouth our product too widely we will sue you for slander).
The children on the case are a rainbow of ethnicities, but they all with this program started wearing collared shirts, proving it even works for poor people, it's guaranteed to work on your perfect aryan child.
So why not start enjoying life the way you did before you had children, because we all deserve to act like we are a 22 year old college girl and not a 36 year old house wife with an addiction to pain killers.


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