Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Who R U?

Everybody wants to be famous, this is a simple fact, if it wasn't than no one would consider having a Facebook profile (more on that later in the week). So the next question becomes how does one go about becoming famous. Their use to be a time when this took talent, or at least good looks backed up by semi-talent, but no longer are the constrains of effort and skill confining those who want to be house hold names.
It saddens me to think how many people can't name the girl on the left, and saddens me more how many idolize the one on the right.
No longer must one spend years perfecting an art or working their way from advertisements to stardom. Today their are many ways to get famous, most of which involve nothing more then making what in most people lives would be horrible mistakes.

Let's all get pregnant

I don't care what any "expert" says, Teen Mom glamorizes pregnancy. I know this because B! watches teen mom religiously, which means that I get to watch Teen Mom Too! I am going to completely ignore the extra-curricular press the girls receive, i.e. magazine covers, t.v. interviews and the like, I will just focus on how the SHOW glamorizes teen pregnancy. I will pick on everybody's favorite from the show, Maci. Aside from the obvious glamorization of the entire female population being able to spot you from across Qualcomm stadium, the show itself makes some things seem rather simple for Maci as she raises Bentley (see I even know his name), my first pet peeve is that she is constantly lounging around doing nothing. Now I am not saying that every mom doesn't deserve a break from to time, but does Maci do anything besides sit at home waiting for a group of awkward friends to show up?

Yes! She hangs out with other famous-for-being teen mom's.
The show makes it seem that the worst part about having a child when you are 16 is that you have to deal with the jerk baby daddy and his new girlfriend. I do not have a child, but I do have a full time job, and between that and this blog, I have about exactly 15 minutes during weekdays to do anything that would be remotely called relaxing. So how exactly does Maci pay for her new apartment, drive her nice car (apparently this is her parents car but that doesn't change the fact it makes having a baby look easy), all while apparently working minimal hours (does she have a job, she says she does but I never saw her work) and doing absolutely nothing else but sitting around waiting for a group of friends or Kyle to come over. So the lesson we can all take from this is, if you get pregnant at 16 you will be able to afford decent things and have excess free time. Oh and don't forget the theme of the article, get famous and make hordes of money off of said pregnancy.
If your too old to have children at a young age you can always go for having excessive amounts of kids.

I am huge
If the nagging feeling in the back of your mind is that having a baby young is a huge risk to take for stardom, or you are just simply too old, you can always just get really really fat (it's essentially the same as having a baby except that when you get skinny again their isn't an annoying child yanking on your shirt begging for a new DS game). This way of getting famous however comes with the stigma that for at least a time you are just another fat ass, however if you get skinny and fit you get to be the spokesman/woman for a product. Look at Jared, I don't even need to tell you who he works for, the guy is rich and famous all because he use to wear really big pants (i.e. he was a disgusting lard ass you would have mocked and posted pictures of on PeopleofWalmart.com) but now after eating lots of sandwiches he is skinny and because of this he is able to live a way better life than you.
What a drastic change, how did he ever live without marble counter tops?
So from this we should all take that gaining obscene amounts of weight and then finding a systematic and easy promotable way of losing it will make us famous, and if that doesn't work we could always be on some reality show where people at home will try to figure out why they keep getting bigger and we keep getting thinner.

Our poor families
If any transformation of your body seems drastic their is always just making an ass of yourself. The guys of jackass did this in a way that was humorous and should that some people were willing to do anything for a laugh. The "people" of Jersey Shore are just a bunch of whores and meat heads who should be castrated and sterilized. The other equally embarrassing option is to just be a good looking criminal, whose parents happen to have some coin in the bank, this didn't work out according to plan for Alexis Neiers, but the fact that I know her name and have written it testify that being a thief will at least get you one season on E!.
And having such a pathetic fake cry also helps.
Make a Movie (Considering the topic that title is awesomely ambiguous)

This may be the hardest to pull off if your parents aren't loaded, but lets proceed. What seems to be the classiest way to get famous is to make a homemade porn. Kim Kardashian has said of numerous occasions how she regrets making her tape with Ray J, I can assure you I regret her making it, because if she didn't...well, than no one would no her name or care about her...instead? We have the entire Kardashian family famous because of the fallout from this video. The sisters were on the Joy Behar show and kept insisting that they have successful ventures prior to the show and that they are more then just reality stars.
This is the plaza where they have their "successful" boutique. Hell Bruce didn't even think it worthwhile to get them off the bottom row, shows how much faith he had in their "brand". RANT: If your thinking hey this plaza doesn't seem like a place where such successful fashionistas would have their store, well your not the only one. If step-daddy financing play time at the local corner plaza is success then you girls defiantly don't have a leaked porno to thank for your success: END
Actually defining the catagory as "making a porn" is a little narrow, as The Girls Next Door have shown us, you don't actually have to make a porno, just the idea that your a slutty whore is good enough. As long as you go to the extremes with it and bang skeleton's, and who wouldn't for spin off shows and never having to actually work for anything in your life.
Some people don't like the odds of just one of the above, and opt to attempt all options.
So if you think working on your non-regional diction or spending hours mindlessly studying music theory is too hard, just try some of the above, and maybe one day you can walk into the local wal-mart and be mulled by groups of strangers who just want to touch your hair (once you are famous you gain healing powers, but only in your hair).


No comments:

Post a Comment