Thursday, January 13, 2011

Why No One likes Superman

Superman is the lamest of all the comic book characters, at least all the ones any non fan-boy can name. I am not an expert on superman and his abilities, weaknesses or even basic story line about his life, but I do know why I dislike him as a comic book hero. As what seems like the only way I know how to present points lately I now list my reasons that no one likes superman.

#5 What with all the powers
Most superheros posses one, or at least a limited, power, but not Superman no he can basically do everything. If I am not mistaken he can exploit his power to TIME TRAVEL. That's just a giant plot hole to me because if he can do that then shit he might as well always do that. Seriously sit at home let shit hit the fan and then go do a couple laps and boom it's all fixed. But other then that he can also lift anything, fly anywhere, see through everything and hear what ever he damn well pleases. I am 100% confused as to how, with all of these powers, he even lets bad things happen for him to stop. Seems more like he is just waiting to show off for all the girls.
This man is super nice, stood with him in line for the Hans Zimmer batman soundtrack signing.
#4 The weakness is ridiculously specific
Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. That's it, an extremely rare crystal, so unless you have said crystal theirs really no reason to fuck with this guy, and that's where it gets great, because although it's uber-rare every bad guy seems to be easily able to obtain said crystal. But it doesn't matter because no one to my knowledge ever seems to just use the moment of vulnerability to just chop the weakening he-mans head off. But of course not, because then we wouldn't have a pop culture icon who...

#3 Is a giant pile of deusch.
Well ignore the obvious flaws with that statement. But superman is a prick, straight up grade A meat head jock prick. Their not much more to say about this point but I do feel their is some evidence for this.
Pictured above: Giant Pile O'Deusch (He is totally Irish)
#2 Hey Clark, what's with the spandex
Most comic book characters attempt to disguise themselves, think spiderman, batman, daredevil, hell pretty much everybody, unless of course they have no reason to hide their faces because they are orphans who live in a mansion. Why doesn't superman just walk around as superman 24/7? I mean I'm sure people would just give him shit for being awesome, and because he could kill them in a variety of views and make it look like an accident. But then again maybe no one would give him shit because after all...

#1 He is alien scum
This is my main issue with Superman, that's why I made it #1, and has been the thesis for a variety of superhero related arguments based on Superman's general disconnect with society. Comic book characters are popular because people can easily identify with the characters, explains why almost all popular characters gain their powers when they are disenfranchised pubescent boys. Every 13 year old boy dreams of waking up and having some mutant power, even the lame ones would be welcome with open arms. Superman though provides no hope, unless of course you were found in a crater and happened to be the perfect genetic match to humans but happened to be from some planet and, in the words Matchbox 20 "get this funky high on yellow sun," then maybe you have something to relate too.
Will Smith vs. Superman the movie, I'd go see that. Hear that Hollywood I would pay money!
Even batman is at least doable, yes odds are you are not the offspring of billionaire murder victims, but the concept of an ordinary man fighting crime is something you can dream about doing. And if you never outgrow that dream you can become a police officer and then get jaded and spend your days yelling at teenagers for skateboarding, Thanks Batman.

In conclusion, Superman is perfect and can Time-travel so if he fought Batman he would easily win because he could just go back and time and kill baby Bruce Wayne, their fight is over.
No comment, just a sweet picture.

STMTZ

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