Thursday, February 24, 2011

Do NOT Hire

Now judging by my resume, and current lack of an adult job, I am probably the last person who should give out advice for any career related topic. And considering I have had exactly 1 interview for a real job and obviously failed that, taking any advice from me on how to approach an interview would be considerably ill advised if not down right moronic. That being said, I have seen many articles by "experts" on the topic of what to do at interviews, and while their are are also plenty of what not to do articles I just figured I would jump in the game with a list of ways not to answer typical interview questions. Also, these are probably in line with the thoughts coursing through your brain as you mindlessly answer questions posed by some women whose expertise on reading people is questionable based on her 5'6" husband with excessive amounts of gold jewelery...but he does have a Porsche.
...Or a Giant lifted truck...I ride a 250cc motorcycle (the smallest highway legal engine), just sayin'
What major challenges and problems did you face? How did you handle them?For most recent college graduates this question is met with either feeble attempts at bullshitting your 5 years of cleaning dishes up to "head of presentation" at the local greasy spoon or just cleverly adjusting an epic night of drinking into a story of philanthropy. The interviewer is probably expecting this answer and is most likely ignoring everything you say anyways, daydream instead about the pool boy Fernando, and while grabbing her attention is probably the right thing to do, their are a couple wrong ways to do this, here's one.
...just now I am realizing the euphemism-esque qualities of "clean the pool"
So I was running low on funds one Wednesday, but my buddy had just got the hook up to some killer bud, and it would be totally gone if I didn't get in that night. So being the closer manager for the next three nights, I figured I could just write the deposit slips for the correct amount and skim some off the top and just replace it Friday when I got paid. Needless to say the whole plan went off without a hitch, which is why I think I would make a great asset to your team, because I am able to use problem solving along with considering future events to make proper finical adjustments to adjust to unforeseen  circumstances that can, and will, arise.

What have you learned from your mistakes?
This is an obvious attempt at making you falsely state you have faults, if like me you are perfect, then the only logically answer is to just laugh arrogantly and say, "mistakes, schmistakes, mistakes are for losers, which is why you should hire me, because I don't make mistakes," but we aren't here to discuss the proper answer we are here to discuss what NOT to say. and here goes...
WHAT! Do you expect a clever quip EVERY time?
I learned how to make a spit ball, I know it sounds lame but in school I was generally the one getting hit by them not making them, so being taught at 35 how to finally exact my revenge was sort of wonderful. I went straight to work the next day, chewed up a memo left on my desk and hawked that ball right across the room, "Direct Hit!" nailed Jenny Hopkins right in the forehead, if you are think "a girl," while you don't know what that bitch put me through in middle school. I also learned how to make fart noises with my armpits, how to hang upside down from the monkey bars and they taught me the words to all of Justin Bieber's song. I must say I am rather happy that I got drunk and slept with that stripper.
Totally missing the point but I hate her heels, and I might be gay...
 What is your greatest weakness? 
This is a less disguised attempt at the same self-incrimination mentioned in the previous article. And well the experts say to "turn a negative into a positive," I personally believe with sticking with tangible weaknesses. Such a stapler ability. I personally have an infinity for the art of stapling but I know of more then one person who find this task to be a real brain buster. If you encounter this question just answer it with the most hysterical thing you are bad at, like embroidery, I promise the interview will laugh, and if they laugh it sets off endorphins and then they will want to sleep with you, which means you will get the job, because that is how it works. Why do you think fat people are less likely to get a job? It's not just because they smell bad and take up 70% of the cubicle, it's because no one wants to bang a fatty. But I digress, what you shouldn't say is this...
This is why it IS my business how fat you are, that and the rising cost of food you coew.
Controlling my flatulence, I really have an issue with sudden unexpected expenditures of stomach gas. I also am not very good with people, mainly because they tend to want to avoid me due to the, potential lethal, fog surrounding me when I get nervous, which is always around strangers. This all stems from my childhood when I was bullied, I found the only way to deter the attacks was to expel my inner stinky-ness, I guess over time this eventually evolved to superhuman strength and now I fight crime at night as Skunk Man. However, I feel this gives me the advantage of less distraction at work and makes me more diligent to the tasks I am assigned.
Apparently I will not be getting the copyright on Skunkman, and apparently skunk is another named for marijuana.

So I hope that helps everyone in their quest to find a job in this utter shart stain of a job market. And remember, being funny=girls wanting you=girls picking the unfunny douche bag over you=you being alone and sad...and jobless?


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