Saturday, February 12, 2011


No one is quite sure of how the Oreo got it's name, theories abound from the Greek root for appetizing as in orexin or orexigenic (appetite stimulating) or anorexic (loss of appetite),  or the 're' from cream was 'sandwiched' between the two Os from cookie. Of course, the real truth is that the makers knew they had such an amazing piece of awesome that they just threw a bunch of sounds together and went on with making cookies.

A TV spot for the Got Milk? campaign showed a false etymology where, when at a board meeting to decide the name of the cookie, one of the members is asked for his opinion; the member, who just ate a cookie and does not have any milk to wash it down responds "I don't know," which is heard by the board member as "Oreo." Proving once again advertisers are idiots and convinced that everyone works in offices.  After spreading lies about the best damn cookie on the planet they moved on to annoying us with cavemen.

And whatever the hell these things are.
In a bid to not be too arrogant about being so much better than every other cookie Oreo has changed its slogan to "Milk's Favorite Cookie", from the original, "America's Favorite Cookie." Following the Eminem logic of "when you so good that you can't say it, 'cause it ain't even cool for you to sound cocky anymore," becoming the only cookie in the history of time to go as hard as Mr. Mathers.

The average (original) Oreo cookie is 1 3/4 inches in diameter and .314961 inches tall, which is strangely similar to π, 3.14159, leading this writer to speculate that Oreo is a front organization for the Illuminati. Added yet another dimension of the world dominating potential of this irresistible creme filled delicacy.

Dan Brown next novel is going to involve Oreos, and that mosaic of π. Titled Oreo Pi.
An Oreo sandwich is 71% creme 29% cookie. The Oreo has been Kosher since 1998, changing after political pressure was put on it after the cookie was overheard saying, "What I am a religion, damnit, everyone should be praising me, think of how much better communion wafers would be if they were my chocolaty flesh smothered with my delicious creme." These comments create and initial backlash but after kosherfying his ingredients, the world once again loved Oreo even with his enormous ego. The world did not question why offensive remarks towards Catholicism resulted in making the cookie Hebrew friendly, mainly because the world never question Oreo and his confused logic.
Oreo says, "that's more like it!"
Among it's list of attributes the Oreo is considered the only food stuff which your grandma will happily agree with you is better than her cooking, the only cookie you wouldn't make at home (because who messes with perfection) and the only food which you wouldn't dream of sharing with anyone, at all, ever! Because an Oreo is a sacred object and if the 1900's have anything to brag about, it's that little monochromatic sandwich.
For sitting and reading quietly, you're reward is this an already munched Oreo. Enjoy!


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