Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Politics

America's political system consists of two parties (some may argue their are others, we call these people crazy). The two parties each go by a bouquet of different names, right and left (a reference to the French National Assembly and blah blah blah...), conservative and liberal, Republicans and Democrats and the always popular Nazis and Fascists. Throughout the country, of America, people differentiate themselves based on their political ties, almost to the point of absurdity.

Explaining the two parties:
Conservatives only care about themselves and old people and for some unknown reason the unborn fetuses of democrats. Liberal's care about everyone because they live in a fantastical world where everyone can be happy if only we get rid of all the rich people, their plan to do this is of course to kill all the babies and old people, especially the old people. Conservatives are usually found riding john deer tractors down a 55mph road pissing off a bunch of liberals in Priuses (is their a plural for this word?) who are just trying to get to the farmers market before it closes because it is better for the environment.
Above: Paradox
Conservatives tend to populate the uneducated states and thus can probably be assumed to be stupid and primitive, liberals populate the cities and spend exorbinate amounts of money on education so that they can land a job managing a local McDonald's (which is own by a republican).
If a conservative told a liberal that he enjoyed reading at Starbucks the only socially acceptable response by the liberal would be to say he hates those things (he most certainly does not).
Republican women are attractive because they sold their souls to Satan. Democrat women are ugly because they are possessed by demons. Or maybe it has to do with the author of the collages choice of representatives and photos, or the satan/demon thing, you choose.
 Conservatives believe that we need a smaller government and that people need more rights, unless your gay, a women, a foreigner or in summation not a country music loving white man with a pickup truck.
Liberals believe that the government should be huge because people are incapable of taking care of themselves and need to be babied through life. They believe people need more rights as long as they are gay, a woman, a foreigner or in summation not a country music loving white man with a pickup truck.
Conservatives like guns because they use them for hunting and keeping different looking people away from their property. Liberals hate guns and think that the conservatives should be stripped of their weapons, however they have found it difficult to convince people to hand over their weapons with only flowers and dreams as incentive.
Conservatives believe the media is super liberal. Liberals think fox news is super conservative. USA today thinks you should read them because they have a more colorful format, suck in NYT.
Liberals hate the economy and jobs. Conservatives hate the environment and puppies.
 That should get everyone up to date on the goings on of American politics.


STMTZ

1 comment:

  1. as a conservative I dispute this description. I believe in smaller Government. Giving more control to the people. Federal Government shuld be involved in three things--the defense of this nation, the monetary system and the transportation system. Everything else should be up to the states individually--Just one girl's opinion.

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