Saturday, February 5, 2011

Superbowl Ads

Tomorrow is the Superbowl (if you didn't know that then you are free to spend your life on my site and I promise to fill you in about all major common knowledge events). The Superbowl is a special sporting event, because for this one night a year we all make sure NOT to miss the ads. Instead we use the bathroom or grab a beer from the kitchen during epic drives. Because it would be unthinkable to miss whatever talking animal steals the show this year. You would be such a loser if you went to work and everyone was like "hey did you see the hamsters" and you could only reply, "no but wasn't that an amazing drive by the Packers in the waning moments to win the game, hell that was flat out historic." You will be laughed out of the room because the Superbowl is the only football game where no one cares about large men throwing a ball around.

I have no knowledge of the advertisements that are going to be on display tonight, so everything I say should be taken as obviously being 100% fact and in no way satirical.

The type of Ads that will own the night...

Betty White
Finally I have a podium from which to scream my opinion of the subject of this old lady. The only reason she is funny is because she is old and cute, her being funny is like laughing at a toddler, it's just encouraging them to continue doing ridiculous things. Yes she is humorous, but on a comedy scale of Dane Cook to George Carlin she is somewhere around the Louise Anderson/Carrot Top tier. For most people this wouldn't land them a gig but Hollywood has figured out that hiring an 89 year old means they don't have to worry about paying out royalties to her for much longer.
You're a PERVERT!
Back to the Superbowl point, she will be in some ad, only people over the age of 35 and fat kids will laugh. So if you're 37 and Obese it may just be Betty White who kills you.

Talking Animals
In the same way that Betty White is funny because she is cute the same goes for talking animals. If you really walked into an office and a cat was wearing a tie and conducting the morning status meeting, it would not only be acceptable but down right expected that you immediately and without bias eradicate the demon spawn lest it become stronger and take over the world. It is you're duty to kill any non-human object with human qualities. 
The Lost Quatrain of Nostradamus speaks of a chicken uprising.
But people love talking animals when they're brians are able to justified the personified creature with the logic, "it's just a computer animation." You better hope it is well you laugh at your 65inch screen, unaware that your brain has just become the outhouse for cat propoganda. 

Majestic Creatures
Because nothing says huge, faceless corporation nicer then a bunch of Clydesdales. I really have nothing else to say on the topic other then why hasn't anyone tried using elephants, cause I guarantee you that I would buy any product advertise using real live elephants. Cause if it doesn't involve elephants its irrelephant. 
Pictured: Relevancy
Sexy Girls
Can you blame the advertising men behind this concept, not only does it work all the f-ing time, but they get to spend a day on a sunny beach hanging out with models, who will tot put out because they are fame whores (and regular whores but you put fame in front of it and it's glamorous.)
See make up CAN work miracles
 Go Daddy will make us all navigate to their website just to finish teasing us with pseudo-athletes taking showers with other women. Go buy a domain name because half naked girls like that? I have no idea what their plan is but I know what GoDaddy.com and I guess that means they win. 

Being a Man
Every Ad that wasn't already mention falls into this category. Fast Cars, Beer, Food just overall being a man. Because nothing screams man like sitting in your living room with your wife and her girl friends screaming at other men that they need "to run the damn ball." It's the Steeler's you dumb fuck running the ball against them is like just repetitively running into a wall. Let the Packer's play the football and you go get your wife more chips you sad sad excuse for a man, but if you buy that new Camero then you can have your balls back.
It says fragrance but your brain says "spray on abs."

STMTZ

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