Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Superbowl Lessons

"...But STMTZ the Superbowl was 2 days ago and no one cares about it anymore!"
That is true hypothetical critic, but I had some things I wanted to say and was too lazy to come up with a new idea. But thank you for you hypothetical concern! Sincerely STMTZ

So the Superbowl happened a couple of days ago, the Packers won, which only made me happy because it meant the Steelers lost and, even though I no longer live in Pennsylvania, I didn't have to hear Steeler fans go on and on and on and on and on and on with their moronic celebration. 
It's not plagiarism because I inadvertently cited their website.
We get it your city is a horrible place to live so you have to excessively celebrate a group of men who probably are begging to get traded to a team somewhere that doesn't suck. But other then teaching us that the better team wins an incredibly boring game, the Superbowl was filled with other life lessons, here are some of those.

If you can throw a football good enough it's OK to rape women  
(due to slander laws I am required to say "allegedly" or else I can be sued, so their I said it, just not it the politically correct word order)

No I am not going to proceed to make a joke out of this, because obviously the NFL, the Steelers and all of Sports media has already done that, and I prefer to be somewhat original.
In the real world sex crimes are considered the lowest of low. If any common middle class man were to be accused of rape he would instantly lose his job, and find it rather difficult to find another one, mainly because he would be IN PRISON. And word of the street is that being a sex criminal doesn't make you very popular in prison either. and IF you get out, you find getting a job is very difficult and that even finding a house because harder cause no one wants you to live in their neighborhood. Seriously, a rapist is less popular then a murder. But if you can throw a football you only have to sit out a couple games and can still go to the Superbowl. And what of course all the Steeler's female fans scream in unison "You can assault me anytime you want Ben." So yet again you can do whatever you want when you're famous and it's just a "mistake".
Unless you're black, then you just get rich white person treatment.
The only bad press is no press
Christina Aguilera (I could have saved myself 5 minutes by not trying to figure out how to spell her last name) screwed out one line in the National Anthem. I side with those who think it really wasn't that big of a deal, and would have just dropped it, but what happened to make me write this paragraph? Her songs are all over the radio, I have heard 4 separate songs multiple times in the past two days. Mind you Christina hasn't had a hit song in five years. But if you turn on any radio program or television program she is the talk of the town. Proving that all press is good press. And even though some gun touting teabaggers probably want her head for disrespecting America, this may just be the best screw up of her career and could possibly open the gates to a Britney-esque comeback. And yes that is a good thing!
You're welcome!
Politics
111 million Americans watched the Superbowl, in case you aren't good with math, that's more than one out of every three people. That's also nearly as many people who voted in the last presidential election. The Superbowl is probably the only annual event in which Americans join together in secular non-partisan company. For a couple hours all the matters is football, advertisements, food and beer. So why did William (just like Kesha I reuse to spell peoples name's moronically) decide he should make a political message...

"In America we need to get things straight
Obama, let's get these kids educated 
Create jobs so the country stays stimulated."

I assume most of you like me do NOT take your political advice from plastic haired pop stars. But for those who do, they were forced into voting for Obama and now he isn't changing all that stuff he said he would so let's turn the Superbowl into a giant soap box and tell the whole world that our millionaire musicians are upset because their aren't any jobs. Instead of sharing the love, William, why don't you share the green. 
William decided to create jobs by hiring a hobo to be the audio technician, a group of meth-heads do drop E! and dance and apparently a newly reformed serial killer for that sick haircut.
 What's a Bieber?
So my old adage, that "for every 25 ads that try to be funny 1 succeeds, and then proceed to play itself to death," stuck true for the Superbowl. Millions and millions of dollars were spent to try to entertain us. Groupon made us all feel dirty inside, pointing out that well other cultures are being stripped of their rights and torn to pieces by civil war, we consider it FUN to experiment with their cuisine from the comfort of a renovated McDonald's. Coke made us wonder when it was they bought Blizzard and the WoW franchise. And everyone else made us think in unison, are you fucking joking me, with 1 day and a bathtub of Popsicle sticks I could have made a commercial more memorable and less shitty. Millions and millions of dollars were spent to try to entertain us. Groupon made us all feel dirty inside, pointing out that well other cultures are being stripped of their rights and torn to pieces by civil war, we consider it FUN to experiment with their cuisine from the comfort of a renovated McDonald's. Coke made us wonder when it was they bought Blizzard and the WoW franchise. And everyone else made us think in unison, are you fucking joking me, with 1 day and a bathtub of Popsicle sticks I could have made a commercial more memorable and less shitty. You might be saying, well STMTZ you remembered the Coke and Groupon ads. Yes I did, I remembered companies I already have heard of, they did such a great job. I still think Groupon is a useless site (some of you may remember my twitter conversation with Groupon about why I thought their service was pointless), and I think coke is 100times better than Pepsi (but only glass bottle Mexican Coke made with real sugar). I liked the Budweiser dog sitter ad and the Motorola ad because well Apple's products are just over-hyped, over-priced items which you can easily find a better alternative for cheaper, and I reiterate BETTER.
Wow look at all those companies you never heard of who advertise products or services that are new. Oh wait never-mind non of what I just said happened. Does anyone see a Godaddy commercial and think "hot girls like guys with domain names?"
Oh, and I don't remember what the Ozzy/Bieber ad was for.
 


STMTZ

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