Friday, February 4, 2011

Yearbook Superstars

It is nowhere near the time of year when Yearbooks starts to come out in schools, yet many seniors are already vying for the coveted Class Superstar rating they find most appealing. Some of these people will win their coveted titles, and others will come in second, which as in all events in life means they lost and are now forgotten by time. But what exactly do these titles mean other then the satisfaction of beating other people and making you feel special like you haven't felt since you stopped watching Barney. I don't know, and I am not going to sit around going over data sets to figure it out just to write an article. So, as always, I give you my second best...
(Note: apparently the name for these titles is Superlatives. I am telling you this so that my learning this can be not only a lesson is vocabulary but in humility.)

Most Likely to Succeed

The Gist: This is the most highly regarded of all yearbook rankings. This title is given to those who are likely to go on to be President or CEO of a company or invent something that does something that is so unimaginable that no one has words to describe either the action or that which is acted upon.
The girl is just suppose to be his Secretary, she was voted most likely to bring down a successful man with a sexual harassment suit. Her whole look just screams Fem-Nazi!
Reality: These kids will go on to college where they will start on a path towards human progress, they will graduate, once again head of their class, only to find that the real world doesn't give a fuck. Seriously, they will get an entry level position at a highly reputable company where they will work under a guy whose most advance degree is from that summer in Miami when he went to bartending school. This realization will slowly eat away at MLtS's mind until he (I said he because what can a girl succeed at? making a great sandwich? Cleanest toilet?) finally snaps and decides he will try some get rich quick scheme. This plan obviously fails to do more then deplete his already pathetic bank accounts and he decides to start the job search again, however being out of the industry for 3 years and embarrassing himself and everyone around him he finds no opportunities and is forced to take up a management job at the local Wal-mart, just so he can afford his buy-here-pay-here payments on his Ford Focus.

Cutest Couple
The Gist: These two are inseparable, they are always canoodling and have been together since girls were icky. They will most likely get married have perfect children and a dog and live in the perfect suburban home because he makes a lot of money but has a lot of free time for their unending love and happiness with each other. (I hope that paragraph made you happy because I threw up a little)
...Or one more opportunity for not-so-funny people to make another homophobic joke about two same sex friends.
Reality: These two are only together because she is pregnant, and the kicker? It's not even his! Seriously they have been on the rocks since junior year but have stuck it out because when you have been with one person your entire adolescent life you're more then a little scared to find out how good you REALLY are. Now she got knocked up and he is forced to stay with her because well...seriously have you seen her dad? that man will kill you with just the hairs of his mustache. She has the kid and shit it looks a lot like Mr. Gordon the P.E. teacher, she finally admits she's a cheating whore, and the kicker? He forgives her and they live happily ever after...for 2 years when he finally figures out that chicks without other guys babies are just a little less hassle. They break up and now get an awkward feeling anytime they run into a classmate who asks how their "better half" is doing. 

Most Involved
The Gist: This kid does it all, Model UN, the basketball team (on the bench), the poetry club, drama, the science fair, A/V, etc... So he will grow up to be very civic minded and probably turn being Involved into a fairly lucrative career. 
Reason #46 why Mr. Feiock, my chemistry teacher, wouldn't allow me to have access to the Liquid Nitrogen.
Reality: This kid joins a Frat in college thinking that he will be helping philanthropies, he quickly discovers that this is not the case and does the next best thing to helping those in need...KEG STAND!!! He drops out of school to try his hand at Internet poker, loses all his dad's money and has to work three jobs to make ends meet. Luckily he had all the experience juggling multiple tasks at once!

Most Artistic
The Gist: The girl is so talented and her art is amazing, she will be a famous artist who changes the world with her paintbrush, captures the soul of a generation through her lens, and writes music that is as timeless as liquor. 
Also most likely to be wearing black. 
Reality: Do I really have to elaborate. You can all fill in the blank here, they will grow up and sell themselves out to portrait studies for $8/hr or just use their skills to make graphic cartoons depicting Bart Simpson and incest. And their is always the stand by of just drawing characters on Santa Monica Pier, but that's a pipe dream if I have ever heard of one.

Most Talented

Hopefully her talent wasn't photography. I am not even sorry!
Reality: You hit the world thinking, shit I am going to be someone. You start trying to work you way through the LA madness and you finally get a call back, you go in. You begin to think something is up and then you are being asked if you would be willing to go topless, you agree (hell they are only mounds of fat anyways) then the conversation gets more intense and you start to feel uncomfortable, finally the man sitting behind the desk tells you that you would be perfect for his new movie. Oh BTW it's a porn! you instantly say no and storm out, three months later you are a stripper at the local club because guess what...the only people who pay money for a degree in dance are the 50 year old divorced men with a stack of $1 bills and a lot of sick sick thoughts.

Don't think this is over just because the article is ending, their will be more oh yes their will...


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