Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Preparation Z

So after two hours of staring at the computer screen I have come to the conclusion that "No, this article will not write itself," which is unfortunate because I planned on making a killing off writing college papers for students who could afford my hourly rate. But alas here I sit, two hours after beginning with no work to show and now I am rambling on about not writing in order to further procrastinate the task of writing this article...So let's just jump right in...
I was able to find a picture of me procrastinating, that's how much I procrastinate.
I have come to the conclusion that eventually the world we know will be doomed by some unforeseen event. In pandering to my audience I will use a zombie outbreak as the example for the rest of this article. However, if you have issues with zombies you can use a variety of different natural and unnatural disasters of your choosing in places of the word zombie from here on. Enough people are preparing themselves for the coming doom humanity is un..likely to encounter that it makes me about as uncomfortable as the thought of a rat infested with Toxoplasma gondii attempting to mate with my cat. So it got me thinking should I also be preparing for this inevitable day, and if so what skills would be particularly useful in a post zombocalyptic society. Because I will need friends after shit hits the fan, I have decided to share some of my plans for how I am preparing for the impeding zombie hordes.

I think this means I just popped my meme cherry.

Most people who obsess with the end of the world spend a lot of time reading books and playing with computers. Both of these are useless in an end times scenario. Computers will be one of the first things that become obsolete once power-grids, ISP's and coffee shops cease to continue their activities. Plus even if networks were able to stay online, they would serve only communicative purposes and unless your plan is to wait till you die staring at a computer screen watching people get eaten in China, computers become pretty obsolete when your enemy is a reanimated corpse.
Luckily we live in a society plentiful in most of the things you'll need, however we also live in a society that protects those things. So you will want to work on some skills during your free time before you are being chased by some crazed lunatic, I hear that tends to make people panic and makes it harder for one to do even tasks they are use to doing. The first thing I plan to go and Google after I finish this piece, is how to hot wire a car. I'd like to be able to do it and be...
I'd also like to be Nicolas Cage because he has had quite an interesting life.
Spending 25 minutes under the dashboard getting repetitively electrocuted and setting of alarms, would probably attract a whole slew of unwanted attention. And if you're saying well if the people are dead you could just get their keys. My answer to that is, it's hard enough for me to find my own keys when I leave them somewhere how the hell do you expect me to find a strangers keys, assuming they aren't still in their decomposing pocket, of course, I rather just get good at stealing cars and avoid the whole key searching thing, plus hot-wiring is so much sexier than, "hey I found the keys lets go," you'll never get laid with that line and you need to be concerned because the first girl you see might be the last, and procreation should at least be a consideration.
So we learned how to steal a car, now we could just keep stealing one car after another to avoid my next point, but what if the car breaks down and their aren't any other cars to steal near by? Learning at least the basics of engine mechanics might be a good thing to do before this all falls apart. Their aren't going to be oil change places, you're going to have to figure out how to change filters, tires, headlights and top off fluids. None of the things I mentioned are very complex but I am betting around 90% of you reading this couldn't do any of those things, on your own car, let alone a car you just stole.
That's not what you want to be doing when someone is trying to eat you.
Oh and getting gas might be an issue, most systems are electronically operated, so well it seems simple it won't be once their is no electricity. So maybe walking into your local gas station and asking how to manually remove petrol from the well would be a good idea, or maybe that will just get you on an FBI watch list.
So we've learned how to maintain our vehicle after we steal it, now where the hell are we going. The world is going to need to work off a different system, because people won't just be at the Day's Inn of Highway 4, they will be hold-up in the back woods, eating bear. Geo-caching and Orienteering are two hobbies enjoyed by yuppy families and old people, they also happen to be maybe the most useful hobby currently available for training for post societal society. Both are virtually the same concept, you are giving coordinates and you use a GPS for geo-caching (although you could use a map and compass) and a map and compass for orienteering. If you said well GPS won't work, than you're an idiot, but I will waste my precious time explaining GPS to you. GPS works via satellites, from my understand zombies do not have the technological know how to control and/or shut off satellites.
Look at all our little artificial moons. Bill O' Reilly would be so confused.
So we can safely assume the satellites will be available (over time without maintenance and without human re-calibration the satellites will eventually fall out of orbit and GPS will again be useless, however this process would take about 10 years). If you're comment is their is no power so how would the receiver work, than you forgot that we are driving around a giant power generator. No, not a separate generator, but that thing we call a motor, it generates electricity. Given the amount of motors available and the relative simplicity of producing electricity we can assume that humanity will probably from this day forward ALWAYS have access to electricity.
The last one I have listed is the ability to grow your own crops and maintain a safe water source. Even though these are the simplest items on the list my gut tells me that most of you are doomed if you were to need to fend for yourself in the wild. Why does my gut tell me that? Because I would also be totally screwed, which is why I plan to go buy a bunch of books on farming, irrigation, water purification, automotive maintenance and of course fermentation, because trust me alcohol will be the new currency when their is no internet porn to live for and girls aren't shaving or showering.
Chicka Chicka Chicka Bee...Voted Best Voyeur Film 1994

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