Wednesday, March 12, 2014

According to commercials 1 in 5 relationships start through an online dating service. This to me is astounding, I mean that's 20%, that's so ridiculously high it seems like a lie, or that there is some detail they left out like, "1 in 5 relationships start online, for people who own more than 3 cats and think Tonya Harding is attractive," that makes more sense. But we will take it at face value and assume it is a FACT, mainly due to my utter laziness and lack of interest in researching relationship statistics.

How does it seem like a good idea?
At what point does a person sit down and think to themselves, you know what, I should use the Internet to find a date. Is it directly after viewing hours of online porn? Does the thought process go, "you know spending my nights with all these crazy drunken loose women was fun, but now I really just wanna settle down and find a good woman to spend my life with, I'll just skip and head over to to meet some quality ladies." Honestly under what other pretext does finding love via keyboard make sense, or at least more sense than walking into the local grocery store and just randomly approaching attractive individuals.
I think I have a genius new advertising campaign for a grocery store chain. E-mail Me.
If you instantly thought to yourself, "if you walk up to strangers they will think you are weird," then you are on the track to where I am going with this entry.

Isn't this the exact thing we WARN children against?
The age old question is at what age is a person truly and adult, in America we have at least 4 different levels of adulthood (16 you can legally operate a lethal killing machine, at 18 you can legally start destroying you lungs and dwindling down your savings on games of chance, at 21 your can add your liver to the organs that will fail you, and at 25 someone somewhere might let you drive a rental car.). We warn kids against strangers their entire life and then ship them off into the real world and tell them the only way they will make it is to network...with strangers. The Internet has create a whole new world of strangers, and because most parents are about as aware of how the Internet work as teenagers are about why M*A*S*H was ever a popular show, the level of paranoia skyrockets. I feel comfortable saying that a parent would feel more comfortable with their child telling the cashier a list of their fears then posting on their Facebook that they like The Jonas Brothers.

"Now son, computers are filled with dangerous people trying to hurt you" "Go outside and see if Mr. Dahmer needs any help digging that hole in his back yard."
So the adults go out in some sort of rebellious fashion and think, "hell those pretty people on the commercials met on this site maybe I can meet that special someone." It couldn't possibly turn out that some man prowling the Internet for a women desperate enough to give him a chance might just be a tad bit out there. In the words of Chronic Future, "When advice gets repetitive that's because it is. So we should stop pretending we haven't heard it before this." So if you think the Internet is unsafe for children it is probably not the best place to go searching for your next date. (Note: In the world of Andy's made up statistics the Internet is approximately 1,463% safer then the Real World)
Pictured: Reality (your daughter is a slut.)
Isn't it all just a little sad?
As I stated in the previous point, if someone gets to the point where they are searching for love online, then it is fair to assume one of these is an accurate description:
  • This person has no personality and probably spent six hours working on their profile to make it look like they have a personality. Their social skills are so primitive that no one they come in contact with in their everyday lives wants anything to do with them.
  • This person is desperate, for whatever reason they have been unlucky in love. It might have something to do with that tractor tire they decide to wear around there waist, or maybe it has something to do with that unbearable, unceasing, brain-curdling noise they make when they see something funny.(1) Due to their desperation they will cling to anything that pays attention to them. 
I know what you're thinking, "that doesn't look so bad," but it'll get annoying...very very quickly
So if either of those people seem like the type of person you want to spend your life with, or even $50 on, then go right ahead. If you think that meeting people organically will probably lead to better results then you and I can be friends.

But isn't the whole idea of online dating sad? Have we really got to the point in human evolution where talking to strangers, in person, is considered weird and unwelcome. I know it can be annoying when someone comes up to you and talks to you when you're trying on pants at Guess, but human interaction is a hell of a lot more entertaining than sitting idly at your computer reading through online profiles...right?

Apparently the canines are getting in on the act too.
Plus, if you use logic and think about it, statistically you will never meet one person who is a better fit than everyone else on the planet. Yes, most of it can be whittled down by culture but even so, your most likely just going to end up with a great fit, someone you enjoy spending time with, but that being said there are probably still hundreds if not thousands if not millions or billions of individuals who would be an even better fit.

1: I met this girl once, Shaun Jewell and I were in Cork, Ireland, her laugh was so annoying I had to consciously make an effort not to make a joke or anything, it was horrible, so horrible that I am writing about it here 4 years after the fact.

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