Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Yearbook Superstars: Part 2

So I believe I alluded to adding more Yearbook Superstars, and unlike all the promises I have yet to keep I have for some reason decided that I would keep this one. So without further ado, Yearbook Superstars: Part Dos.

The Gist: This person is so incredibility nice they would give a smelly stranger their sweater in an ice storm, because to do anything else would be just plain wrong. They are super quiet because they don't need much attention, they just like thinking of the world as a calm peaceful place where everyone should get along, and they love acoustic guitars and sticking their toes in the sand on a warm summer night.
I would Cuddle with this tiger ALL DAY!...ALLLLL DAYYY!! (extra constants means I am fo' real)
Reality: Upon entering the real world they are instantly subjected to realization that everything sucks, they attempt to change everything for the better only to learn that being sweet means you get walked all over. After about 16 years of failed relationships and a career that went stagnate three presidents ago they become enraged, unable to deal with these feelings of hate and resentment like normal people, by throwing a stapler through the nearest wall and telling Becky that no one respects a fat coew who meddles in everyone's business (oh golly where did that come from), they internalize these feelings with a large assortment of cats and tubs of Ben and Jerry's. 

Most Academic
The Gist: This person spends more time reading then sleeping, eating, masturbating and playing videos games combined, (an obvious deviation from your life because those activities take up around 23hours and 17 minutes a day). They think that learning is fun, and not learning about dinosaurs or the mis on scene of the latest Batman movie, but learning about stupid things like world leaders and foreign relations.
They are all laughing because it's a joke...only losers raise their hands in class. LOSERS!
Reality: This person goes to the best college, you know the Ivy League ones that only accept super smart kids and rich douchba... I mean future policy makers. After college they go on to grad school at some college no one has ever heard of, because that's the only place with a PhD. program directed at the study of ancient Babylonian art and it's impact on the modern political turmoil in the Middle East. Upon receiving their degree they set out into the world in search of a career that will allow them to use their talent of researching and writing to better the world. Three weeks later they are living at home with their parents, who are demanding rent from their 32 year old child, so Most Academic goes to get a job to hold them over till they find a publisher for their latest thesis on the Transformation of the Buddha's Image Across Time and Culture. Three years later they are finally moving into their own apartment after getting promoted to manager of Barnes and Nobles. 

Most Outgoing
The Gist: This person wants to fit in, and they have determined the best way to do this is to willing to do anything for anybody. Sensing this the popular kids adopt this person as their gopher, so for the four years where most kids manage to successfully navigate the tightrope balance of not being someones bitch, this person willingly jumps into the role and likes it.
Tigers...cause for inspiration?
Reality: Upon entering college Most Outgoing sees the obvious relationship to being a bitch and joining the greek system. At the first frat party they are encouraged to drink, and drink, and drink, oh and then drink some more. They fall out a window and are paralyzed for the rest of their life. Some realities just aren't as funny as others (but you laughed because you're a horrible person). 

Most Optimistic
The Gist: Nothing is impossible for Most Optimistic, seriously they world is theirs and their only limits are the limits they set for themselves. Everything will work out just like it does in the movies, DUH! Life is filled with opportunities and everyone is born a superstar, its just about never letting the world get you down.
Yep, that's the crazy cat lady who wants you to shovel her drive way...definately
 Reality: This sound belief in the beauty and perfection of the world couldn't possibly go wrong...right? College just makes Optimistic even more optimistic, (seriously have you been their its just a world filled with wonderfulness and finals, and then even more wonderfulness, example girls just lay around in bikinis outside your window, how can the "real" world ever live up to that? it can't it won't...and I digressed all the way over here so back to the topic{end parenthesis} Upon graduation the world is at their finger tips, they get an entry level job in their field making a decent salary (by the standards of  middle America, that shit won't get you more then a 600sqft flat in the city) and start working hard, after six months they get another job offer on the other side of the country they take the offer and all the adventure that comes along with it. After a couple years they open their own business and live happily ever after. 

Class Clown
The Gist: Class Clown makes a joke out of every situation, anatomy class...too easy, math class hypotenuse is just a really skinny hippopotamus, chemistry why not "spill" some heated magnesium on your lab partner. Graduation.?. shit loads on bouncy balls, that no one notices and is just a giant waste on $100 at 13 different stores gumball machines (do you know the effort it takes to pull off a stunt like that? NO! yeah you wouldn't).
Most Optimistic taught me to never assume I can't find a relevant picture involving a tiger.
Reality: They never grow up and spend the rest of their life trying to not feel old, because a Corvette might work for the jocks but the class clown needs laughs, nothing makes them feel alive other then knowing that their humor is enriching the lives of their audience, no matter how big or small. Upon their 33rd birthday, the realization that driving around town throwing water balloons at children is now considered assault, class clown cries them-self to sleep, stows away his jokes and antics in the back of his mind and waits for retirement when it will once again be acceptable to harass waitresses and embarrass his compatriots.


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