Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Can You Spare Some Change

The other day I was reading a book about sushi, because I work at an Asian restaurant and it was there. The author of the book was obsessed with traditional sushi, and decided more than once to go off on tangents about how any deep fried sushi is not sushi. Now, if you have not had the opportunity to eat a deep fried sushi roll I suggest you stop reading and find a restaurant that serves it and go eat it. If you discover that it is not the greatest thing you ever put in your mouth, then please leave a comment on what exactly could be better. Anyways, his entire point was that sushi is raw fish and therefore cooking it was some sort of abomination of the foodstuff.
Change tastes soooo good
This example is a perfect representation of our feelings towards change, especially in the cultural arena. A couple weeks back, I wrote an article about how our understanding of the word irony has changed. This is not anywhere close to the first instance of a words meaning changing over time, and yet every time a word changes or alters meaning there is backlash from the community. About a year ago I read an article about how the New York Times editors decided not to use the word "tweet," but rather the extended form "posted on twitter," because apparently not everyone understands what tweeting is, which of course makes no sense because if "posted to TWITTER" makes sense to you then "tweet," most likely also would. It was simply an issue of a new word joining the cultural lexicon and someone found issue with this. I don't know the current standing on the "tweet" verbiage issue at the NYT, because I stopped paying attention to the news.
Now that is what I call precious! Or breakfast!!!

Friday, May 20, 2011

Stay in School

So we hear of these programs daily, increase kids self esteem, get kids to go to college, or at least not drop out of high school, and we think "oh, what a wonderful program." Well by we I mean you because I do not think that I think, what is all this banter about getting kids to go after their dreams. I am defiantly a dreamer, I mean I am 24 haven't played more then a smattering of hockey over the past 5 years and yet I am still convinced if I put my mind to it I could be in the NHL, so that either makes me a dreamer or delusional, but in the end are they usually the same thing anyways?
I don't think robots have to go to school, they learned English via the internet, I think they are good.

Are methodology on raising children these days seems to be based on the philosophy of Lady Gaga, "My mama told me, when I was young, we're all born superstars." Everyone thinks their child is so much smarter, cuter and just altogether better then every other child. Unfortunately it is mathematically impossible for every baby to be better then the average baby.
Oh, and just because you have a baby doesn't make you special, so get out of my way and go think preforming a basic biological act makes you superior somewhere else.

Monday, May 16, 2011


This is my proposal for adding an alternative definition for the word "Irony." Language changes, as we are all well aware, yet for unknown reasons so adverse to, the divergence of dialects is the most obvious of linguistic changes. The most blunt example which is the differences between American English and British English, ironically, experts assert that modern American English is more akin to the English spoken in 1600's Britain. So contrary to all assumptions its the British English that has changed more in the past four centuries.

All of that was a very long around way of getting to my point, language changes, and we as a society have already agreed upon a new meaning to the word irony. Most of us use to the word "wrong" and are chastised by the linguistically pretentious among us, but if the majority has an understanding of a word that diverges from the traditional definition, does it not evolve to incorporate the "incorrect" meaning? I argue that it does, I also argue that if one conveys a message that is understood then they have achieved the ultimate goal of communication and thereby should not be shackeled by the confines of "proper" usage.

So In conclusion, I propose we add an alternative definition that incorporates the qualities of the "incorrect" usage of the word Irony, and here is my proposed addition:

"Coincidental yet contradictory, usually in a humorous way."

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Quantum Jumping

Let's talk about quantum physics for a moment, or actually not quantum physics but the ridiculous pseudo-science that links itself to the ideas of quantum physics.

The other day an advertisement caught my eye, it was for something called quantum jumping, and because I am always one to let my ADD get the best of me, I clicked. What I found was some program that claim, or at least I think it was trying to claim, that by using their program you could unlock the secrets of the universe and use the power of your infinite quantum selves.
Don't blame me, I didn't make this shit up, Burt Goldman did.
I didn't do much more then read the introductory paragraph on their website, (you know, because I am not interested in just throwing hours of my life away on some made up garbage, I could be watching 10 American Dad for fucks sake), but I established quite easily that the idea was that by letting all your other quantum selves make the bad choices you would ultimately make all the right choices and BAM! you'd be rich, because that's what the universe wants, you to be loaded, and fuck all those poor people, it's because they can't afford the program to begin with, sad pathetic poor people.
Stop playing around in the dump and start playing around in the quantum sphere.
Now that we have established my personal feelings towards the program, and like minded programs such as The Secret, let's move on to the claim that has caused me hours of lonely anguishing, the idea that every decision we make in life results in a split in reality. If I must elaborate the idea is that if you decide to buy Coke instead of Pepsi at the grocery store, another reality will be created where you pick Pepsi.
...and another, sadder, reality where you choose RC Cola.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Technologically Jaded

We have hit an interesting time in the evolution of technology, a time when in mere days it seems that a technology goes from non-existence to commonplace. Just a couple years ago no one, besides maybe a smattering of business professionals with blackberries, had smart phones. Now 11-year-olds are texting their parents for a ride home from their iPhones. New technologies are being integrated into our daily lives on, well, a daily basis, and all without much notice, we adapt instantly and move on as if these things have existed since time immemorial.
Who needs faith when you can ask him directly.
I do not have an issue with advances in communication technology, it would be asinine for me to. I have a Droid, I use twitter, and obviously the rest of the internet, quite extensively. My point is that we have become uber-spoiled in this technological wonderscape. We are no longer amazed by anything, we pic up an Ipad or Xoom, for those of you, like myself, who are strictly anti-apple, and we don't think "Gee willikers this is incredible, Agnus have you seen this thing, pure amazing." No we are more likely to be in the mind set of, "wait, it doesn't support flash? It's only 3G, WTF is this 2008, get back to me when your device is ahead of it's time Steven."
"Someday I will rule all of Hipsterdom"
We have such high expectations, because well, we have seen so much change. I remember not using Google as a search site, not because I preferred another site, but because Google didn't exist! I used a site called dogpile.com, whose obvious fecal related pun somehow manage saunter pass my adolescent mind without so much as a second glance. I remember my moms first brick of a cell phone and playing snake on it, because my mom hated me and refused to by me a gameboy (at least that's what I was thinking at the time), the only time I got to enjoy the world handheld gaming was at the dentist office, which luckily seems to be the only thing I remember besides the fish.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Where did all the good men go?

"Where did all the good men go?"

How many times have you heard this line, its a main stay of rom-com's is said by approximately 93% of single and 92% of non-single females daily, and in case those examples were to subtle Jennifer Hudson wrote a song with the question as its title.
She either answered her own question of just gave up trying.
So do I have an answer to the question? Not a precise answer but I have my theories, and because I feel that my thoughts are worth your time I will list these theories now. 

The Good Ol' Days
This question is but one in a long line of quarries that assumes that the world as we know it isn't as good as the world that once was. And of course that is where the main issue lies, men didn't use to be better at being men. Maybe they didn't were so much makeup and wear skinny jeans, but in general I would have to argue that men as a whole treat women a hell of a lot better. In fact in many relationships in the modern world the two halves are basically equals in making all sorts of decisions and splitting responsibilities. So to the women out their who think all the good men have vanished and all that is left are scumbags and players, I say drop out of high-school pop out some kids in your late teens early 20's and make sure my fucking dinner is on the table by 6:30 every night. Don't question me when I stay out all night and come home all disheveled and covered in glitter, and get your ass out of bed and make me a sandwich. 
And you better smile the whole damn time! And heels!

The Monster You Created
Was Frankenstein a metaphor for something? I think so, but I don't know what, and I haven't eaten lunch yet so I don't have the energy to Google that shit.

Girls like jerks, everyone knows this. I know some girl out their is screaming "NOT ALL GIRLS!" and this girl is of course just lying. ALL girls like assholes, its seems instinctual, just like guys love stupid girls, don't ask me why I am just reporting my observation of humanity. So "where did all the good men go," you ask, well honey they are out their sitting behind a computer screen not bothering to put themselves out their because all you would do is ignore him and ultimately end up sleeping with his scumbag older brother. So he spends his time doing things he enjoy rather then being dragged through the mud of emotions you will put him through well you look for "Mr. Right Now."
Or if you're adverse to reading this picture sums up the issues presented above.

Monday, May 2, 2011

The Morality Wars

So in case you somehow navigated the internet and managed to not learn about it, Osama Bin Laden is dead. If you want further information refer to your preferred news agency.

Ok, now that that is out of the way...The Morality Wars!

A lot of people are getting pretty pissed about the celebrations in the streets regarding the death of Bin Laden. These people are basically following one of two paths of logic in their opposition to the celebrations.

Path 1: Using an altered (read: FAKE) MLK quote which goes,

 "I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives,
but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy"
these people have decided to use the guise of being uber-peaceful. And this I am OK, because to an extent I agree with their philosophy as in why we should never celebrate the death of another living thing...but before I go on let me address the second path.

Path 2: "This doesn't change anything we are still at war, their will just be someone to replace him...", to these people I say...SHUT THE FUCK UP! If you honestly believe removing (by whichever means) the leader of an organization mean nothing, then why the fuck do we bother voting every four years, why have citizens of the world time and time again removed their leaders, or the leaders of the enemies. Was it all just because no one has got the point yet. Are the Nazi's still running around Europe? Is Bush still our President? No? No! You mean that the leadership changed? You mean that removing a head of an organization can have a lasting impact? Shit, I guess investment bankers do know a thing or two when they sell off Apple stocks when they think Steve Jobs is dead. 
Oh shit...change! That never works!
But back to path 1, celebrating the death of Bin Laden is more then "rejoicing in the death of...an enemy," (see what I did their, man I can totally quote fuck people) it's celebrating a tangible victory for our country over our enemy. The quote even calls him an enemy and to suggest that he isn't is stupid, I mean really like to the point of I don't even know how to put into words stupid.

Their is nothing ambiguous in this victory, their is no gray area. A group of highly trained Navy Seals, went in, under the order directly from the president and successfully eliminated the target. the President showed us that no only can he lead but he can do so while acting like nothing is up making jokes on stage. The CIA and the rest of the intelligence community proved to the world, and more importantly it's own people that they can accomplish a highly important task and not let it slip. The President has known about this for 7 months and not one word of it spilled to the media, or to Bin Laden and his cohorts.
America was celebrating for the first time since 9/11 as a unified whole, the nation as a whole understood the impact the ramifications and the overall importance of this moment. This IS a turning point in American history. America can look at itself and remember that we are Americans and no matter how much the world likes to tell us otherwise, that's not a bad thing, so if your only thought is to act like you are holier-than-thou and stick your nose up at this victory for our country, the enormous moral victory for our troops, well...go fuck yourself.
And fuck Alaska and Hawaii...they totally jumped on the bandwagon anyways

P.S. for everyone who wants to see proof, apparently in the form of photographs. Are you serious? Would you actually believe a photograph or would you just say, oh that's photo-shopped or oh that's not him its someone else made to look like him?