Saturday, May 14, 2011

Quantum Jumping

Let's talk about quantum physics for a moment, or actually not quantum physics but the ridiculous pseudo-science that links itself to the ideas of quantum physics.

The other day an advertisement caught my eye, it was for something called quantum jumping, and because I am always one to let my ADD get the best of me, I clicked. What I found was some program that claim, or at least I think it was trying to claim, that by using their program you could unlock the secrets of the universe and use the power of your infinite quantum selves.
Don't blame me, I didn't make this shit up, Burt Goldman did.
I didn't do much more then read the introductory paragraph on their website, (you know, because I am not interested in just throwing hours of my life away on some made up garbage, I could be watching 10 American Dad for fucks sake), but I established quite easily that the idea was that by letting all your other quantum selves make the bad choices you would ultimately make all the right choices and BAM! you'd be rich, because that's what the universe wants, you to be loaded, and fuck all those poor people, it's because they can't afford the program to begin with, sad pathetic poor people.
Stop playing around in the dump and start playing around in the quantum sphere.
Now that we have established my personal feelings towards the program, and like minded programs such as The Secret, let's move on to the claim that has caused me hours of lonely anguishing, the idea that every decision we make in life results in a split in reality. If I must elaborate the idea is that if you decide to buy Coke instead of Pepsi at the grocery store, another reality will be created where you pick Pepsi.
...and another, sadder, reality where you choose RC Cola.
You see my issue with this theory is that it is inherently selfish, it basic reenforces the idea that the universe revolves around me, or you, or whoever is the decision maker, and also has the awkward comfort of affording one the knowledge by  taking-one-for-the-team they are ultimately benefiting another incarnation of themselves in a parallel universe.

But let's ignore the religious-esque undertones of this theory and move onto the bigger ball buster for me.
I am not trying to be Lady Gaga offensive here, but given the choice between this being the physical hand of the creator or an image of a new universe being create where Chloe decide to wear pink nail polish, instead of that hideous green...I am inclined to go with the former.
Everything we do is a decision in the technical sense. It's not just big shit, but even little shit, things we do without considering it a decision, such as the whether to listen to the radio on the way to work in the morning, or which way to lay in bed at night. And each of these decision has hundred, if not ultimately infinite possibilities, so if your following my logic "your" universal parallels  have split at least a handful of times since you started reading this article. Hell every word you read is a decision to continue and therefore is another universe split.
Here is a picture of the Tiger God in Thailand. You think this picture is irrelevant, but that just because you don't yet fully understand.

So not only does this seem improbable but lets move the even more absurd. Every living thing has the ability to make "decisions" on the most technical of levels, but even if we go with actual conscience thinking we still have trillions of individual creatures with the ability to think, if only on a primitive level, and because the universe most likely considers my life equal to that of all living things we need parallel universes for every decision every insect, anphibian, mammal, reptile...(you get the point), makes.
So in conclusion just remember that the ants in your kitchen are there because in another universe they decided to stay outside.


  1. Ya dude, there are an infinite number of alternate dimensions. Get with The Program.

  2. Dear Micky,


  3. The ad below is for Quantum Jumping!


  4. I have checked with my other selves and we all support your conclusion.