Friday, December 9, 2011

2012

Last year at this time I wrote the article "2011." That article was full of predictions for the upcoming year, a year that is now coming to a nice tidy conclusion in the coming weeks. The articles predictions were about as accurate as any prediction of the future, and verified my lifelong assumption that I do not possess psychic powers. In fact not only did my sweeping generalizations of what would happen to the world not come true, but my preconceptions of my own 2011 distinctly missed the target, leading me to be writing this from a cold basement somewhere within a stones throw of the Arctic Circle, or possibly just somewhere in Pennsylvania, whats the difference anyways.

So I have decided that, due to my unquestioned success from last year, it is my duty to inform you and, subsequently, all of humanity of my vision of how things will pan out in 2012. So without further ado....

STMTZ's 2012 Predictions and Likelihoods Certainhoods.

The year of 2012 will be a tumultuous year, as the United States (the only country that really matters anyways) continues to attempt to dig itself out of a finical crisis that has left scores of millionaires questioning how they will afford a new summer home after a rogue group of Occupy Wall Streeter's decided to take their tents to the Hamptons, where an unattended campfire starts a hedge fire that quickly engulfs the seaside resort which has suffered greatly at the hands of the multi-year economic disaster.
The means YOU! Hippies!

In Europe (the only other landmass Americans can reliably find on a map aside from their own country) the powers that be come to a resolution, which as expected sends stocks soaring around the globe. Just as sighs of relief are heard from Malibu to Lake Como, another European country announces that it somehow lost a staggering sum of money, sending stocks plummeting back into the Mariana Trench, but not before those with the means and knowledge had time to short all the stock options, assuring another year of positive growth for the Ferrari and Lamborghini corporations of rural Italy.
You can ad this to the STMTZ wishlist!
After five minutes everyone will stop caring about the events of those funny talking fellows on the other side of the blue blob and the attention will return, rightfully, to the United States where, in a surprise move, the citizens stage a write-in campaigns electing to have a Golden Retriever, named Apollo, from New Brunswick, to be the GOP candidate to go up against President Obama, in spite of the plethora of qualified candidates hand selected for them by News Corp.



In the world of sports, one team wins the Super Bowl, over another team, and billions of dollars are spent in a joke writing contest, the winner is some guy in Omaha, the loser in America, who studies revile lost a collective three IQ points, forever skewing the bell curve and driving statistics major crazy.
Women. Football. Pandering to male audience *check
The weather remains weird in some places, but not all places, but most certainly some, proving once and for all that something somewhere is different than it was before. Also, because the general consensus is that Earth Quakes are a weather phenomenon, one strikes in Northern Canada, no one is sure if this is unusual because no one has bother to ever stay their long enough to observe these types of things, so the world freaks out, taking their que from the logic that, if we don't know then it must be scary.
Every news computer really has this button.
Outside of Canada, it is summer, millions of families flock to the beaches, only to discover that, due to state park budget cuts, their are no longer any beaches, instantly a cry goes out to rectify this, which is of course done, after state governments borrow money from some shady looking Chinese man behind a Del Taco.

As with all summers nothing of note happens, at least not in America, and therefore not on the planet. Fall quickly takes over and we find ourselves with a new four legged President. Donald Trump instantly demands to see his breeding papers, which The Trump claims prove that President Apollo in not in fact a full bred Golden Retriever, the only breed legally allowed to run for the presidency. After some time the papers are released proving that the President is 1/16th Beagle, and he is quickly impeached, leaving the vacated seat to be filled by his Vice President, Air Bud.
The First Family! Pandering to female audience *check
Natural Disasters continue to happen, and much to the surprise of everyone except that guy on the corner, a massive chunk of central America falls into the ocean. The world looks on shocked, but quickly returns to the season premiere of some show, who name is not important as Fox cancels the show after 2 episodes, amongst a mountain of complimentary feedback from critics and fans alike.

And then, because I have nothing more to say, the year is over, and you find yourself sitting at STMTZ.com reading all about what to look forward to in 2013.

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