Wednesday, December 28, 2011

5+ Reasons I Don't Go To The Movies

I have gone to a movie theater one time in the last two years, and the only reason I went that time was because my ticket was free. I am not some anomalous person who doesn't like movies, in fact in that same time frame I have watched hundreds of films, just not in Theaters. Due to this I get many quixotic looks as to why I have voluntarily avoided the movie theater for such an extended period, and why I have absolutely no intentions of returning to the theaters in the foreseeable future. So instead of repeating myself again and again, I am just going to lay out my grievances here on the internet, where they will remain for eternity.

#5 Food
I love food, I love good food though, and I have yet to find a theater that provides this. I love sitting down at home with a big plate of pasta or some slices from a local pizza joint and watching a movie. It's hard for me to want to go out to a place that demands the amount comparable to a nice sit down dinner, for a bucket of cheap popcorn and a box of sour patch kids. And if I do want sour patch kids and popcorn, I can buy them too! I love eating a big meal and watching a movie while I wash it all down with a nice stiff drink, and that the theater can not duplicate, speaking of...
Yumm! Nothing like a $10 bowl of butter and exploding corn.

#4 Comfort
I hate wearing jeans, in fact I practically hate wearing anything that isn't my pajama pants, and while I have been known to venture out of the house dressed more for bed than a night on the town, it still doesn't feel the same when I have to sit in an upright position. God invent couches for laying on while you watch movies, this much we know as fact. He also invent bathrooms to be used for, well bathroom things.
When this becomes standard seating at the theater I might come back...might...

Having the ability to pause a movie so I can relieve my swollen bladder is a comfort advantage all it's own. So why would I flock to sit in a chair that doesn't even have a foot rest? I wouldn't, and I don't, I like being comfortable, and if I am going to spend 3 hours in one position I'd prefer it to be in my recliner, feet so high in the air I have to spread my ankles apart to even see the TV. Once you find that right position in your own chair, you never want to get up again, especially because...

#3 The Outside World Sucks
The amount of effort it takes to get to a movie theater, buy tickets, get food, find seats, leave the theater and drive home, is roughly equivalent of the amount of energy used to power Times Square at night. Movies seem to be getting progressively longer, and the process of getting to and from the cinematic experience seems to be following suit. The world is getting dumber, their is a mathematical equation to prove this, however I have been asked not to revile it, due to how overly sensitive everyone is about their own stupidity.
Yep...this is soo much better then a Lionshead and another episode of Futurama. (sarcasm)

Usually when the idea of going to the movies is presented to me, I am sitting comfortably at home, possibly already engaged in my own cinematic adventure, yet my friends would prefer I re-dress myself and make my way onto the treacherous streets in order to not only spend money on a movie, but use up the precious three drops of gas I have been trying to stretch till payday. But that is defiantly not where the annoyance ends, because...

#2 People Are Self-Centered and Rude
Going to watch a movie in a packed movie theater is not too dissimilar from trying to get a true grasp of the habit of a Siberian tiger at the zoo. All around the theater people are constantly talking, cell phones buzzing and someone nearby smells like they used their cats litter box as laundry detergent.
He must be gay, because guy-code clears stipulates that exceptions are to be made for attractive females.
These people all suck, they are not their to watch the movie so much as to make sure I have the most miserable experience ever. I assume these individuals are paid by companies like Netflix and RedBox to convince people to stay at home and watch their flicks instead of going out. But while they are annoying I totally understand because...

#1 I Want to be Social
The second I walk into a theater the entirety of my contacts list decides they are in urgent need of getting a hold of me. And you know what? I want to talk to them, I want to deal with the issue or make plans or just text about how bad the Sabres are playing. These things don't distract me from the movie, because I can focus on two things, and if worse comes to worse I can pause and/or rewind my film to catch back up to where I was. And I sometimes I like talking to the people I am with about the movie we are watching. There is nothing that perplexes me more then everyone's need to have a friend sit silently next to them for three hours.

Let's just be honest, this is really my only friend.
Oh, and then their are all those other reasons, like cost, quality, the fact that 98 out of 100 movies suck, or that I don't have the schedule to be able to show up to a theater on their schedule. But I am probably just being negative, I should probably just go to a movie and chill the fuck out. Now excuse me while I remove my pants and insert my rump into the well worn dent in my chair.

1 comment:

  1. As I was reading this, I found myself wondering if I had written it myself. I hate going to the movies for all of the reasons you state. For some reason, people still continue to pay to experience bad food, uncomfortable seats, and asshole people. I'm with you. I'll sit at home in my recliner, dressed in my PJs, and save the $20.