Friday, January 20, 2012

It's Cold

Winter has finally arrived, I have been fearing this dreadful moment for weeks, but here we are, it is somewhere below 20 degrees outside and the entire city is coated in waters less popular form, snow. Although to be honest snow is one of the few good things about the cold, hell at least it looks nice, even if it does cause everyone of the roads to creep along so slowly school children pass faster on the shoveled sidewalks. I was lucky enough to avoid an entire winter, by taking refuge in the South, but here I am once again freezing every minute of every day.
...And you thought being "green" meant the planet would be your friend...the planet is a back stabbing jerk!

The cold sucks, I don't have to explain that to anyone,even if you enjoy winter sports, everyone will admit that these past times would be more enjoyable if snow would form at a more comfortable 65 degrees. I understand that if the properties of freezing water were to change this would drastically alter the world and most likely result in humans not existing, but honestly if the alternate is being cold I consider this a toss up.

The whole world is just plain shitty when it is cold out, you must dress to survive yet once you get inside you instantly overheat and most likely look like a fool because your wearing somewhere in the ballpark of a foot of clothing. And dare you take the gamble to not look stupid and wear just a hoody? Well it will inevitably snow 3 inches while your inside forcing you to stand out in the sub zero wind chill brushing the snow off your car, with each swipe the wind gusting up and forcing a barrage of ice crystals into your face, which instantly melt on your warm skin and then freeze with the next gust of wind, giving you a less than muscular appearance of Mr. Freeze.
I feel this is a more appropriate costume for The Wizard of Oz 3D, than for a batman super-villain.

And once you get in the car, nothing improves, everything you touch feels like it spent the day in the back of your freezer, forcing you to suffer waiting for the car to warm up, which of course only happens as you are pulling into your destination, just to remind you that now that you are comfortable you must venture back out into the tundra that has formed outside. You scurry across the permafrost only to blanket your feet in snow, so that upon entering your home/work/bar you also bring with you a pound of frozen water, that will quickly melt leaving every place you ventured wet.

And don't bother taking your shoes off to alleviate this problem, for one the snow has attached itself in mass to your pant legs, and guess what? It's freezing inside the building as well because no amount of human technology can seem to prevent wind chill factors in the negative double digits from penetrating the walls, forcing one to bundle up inside. And once the heat is trap inside that blanket you wrapped yourself in, god forbid you have to move, even to grab the remote, because the instant that cold air surrounding your impregnable fortress of cotton finds an entrance it attacks without remorse, forcing the entirety of your skin to tense up, leaving you momentarily paralized, as the cold is slowly beaten back by your body heat. However, you are now stuck watching Paula Dean, in her warm summer house, as the risk of another cold air attack is not worth it to reach for the clicker.
Who would of thought she would be among the ranks to suffer from that ailment.
Warm showers are welcome, but the dread of getting out wet leaves one standing in the tropical mist for extended periods, hoping that when they venture out that summer has come, which it never does, no shower is ever long enough to skip seasons. Waking up in the morning is twice the challenge, as one who wants to wake up, and two the cold air stands guard waiting for you to uncover so it can seek its venegence.

In summary, cold sucks, take me back to the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty, oh won't you please take me away from home.


1 comment:

  1. I'm not a fan of winter either. It makes everything much more difficult. I can't do my running, because I refuse to run in the frigid temperatures. When my ears get cold, they hurt, and the icy air stings my lungs. My body was not built for this time of year. I have to go to the gym and run on their climate-controlled indoor track.

    As far as the car thing, my wife bought me a pair of leather gloves for Christmas a little over a year ago, and I love them. It's so much nicer then grabbing that freezing steering wheel.

    I'm with you on the hot shower thing. Nothing beats it.