Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Lessons From a Guy Who Lives in His Mom's Basement

If you are sitting back wondering what the point of life is then you are probably have too much free time...get a job you bum! Some people think life is about being a good person and helping other people, some think it's about the number of people you sleep with or how much money you can accumulate and still others think it's about learning.  For the sake of conciseness (and a coincidental lack of inspiration on how else to introduce the following statements) we will assume this last group is "right" and that life is just hands on learning, where supposedly a postmortem exam being tallied as 100% of your grade!

So with that exam in mind, I would like to bestow upon you my knowledge so that you may pass and get you're free subscription to Netflix, a keg of Lions Head and an endless supply of pizzas.
I chose Netflix over boobs! What have I become! "Everything I hate," I reply to myself, as my own voice distorts through the toilet paper roll I pressed against my lips, ignoring the extremely disturbing proximity this presents for biological pathogens.
You can't be friends with exes...
I know, I know, you and your ex are on great terms and blah blah blah... Stop lying and/or being naive! It's this simple: one of you wants the other back. If it's you wanting them, you are the aforementioned liar; if you don't think this is the case, you are the previously alluded to naive one. Or the third, unmentioned, category which suggests you know the other party is interested in reigniting the extinguished flames of desire and you are leading them on with false hope because you are callous and enjoying watching other people suffer for your affection (you are a sociopath, please do NOT purchase a weapon, and immediately seek counseling).
The friends with exes scenario only have three conclusions...

  1. One party finds a new squeeze and this third party demands, whether passively or actively, that the friendship is relinquished. 
  2. The two parties reignite their flame and begin dating again, this, of course, will eventually end in another break-up, in which both parties will hopefully not try to be friends, but people are stupid, so they will be in a self-described "on again, off again" relationship, which is sort of like saying, "we date, but only when all other variables are stagnant."
  3. Both parties find alternative love interests but are unable to reconcile their feelings for one another, so they continue being 'friends'. One night they get drunk as 'friends' and wake up in each others arms. This comes much to the consternation of the alternative lovers who originally thought they were doing the 'right thing' by not subscribing to the 'jealous behavior' exhibited in bullet point 1. 

Of course none of this matters because everyone is convinced they are the "exception to the rule." What I failed to address was the issue of romantically getting back together with exes, this is also extreme stupid, but it is also even more likely you will all just ignore me, but I don't care because...

Be Comfortable in Your Image...
This is one of those sentences that can be understood in a variety of ways, but because this is my list I demand you understand it according to my logic. Do you think you are overweight? Do you think you are dumb? Do you think you look silly in glasses?
Well... LOSE SOME WEIGHT, READ A BOOK and GET CONTACTS!

If you thought I was going to say "be confident with who you are," then you are an assumptive asshole, which of course is fine as long as YOU are okay with this image of yourself.
If you aren't comfortable when you're lying in bed, you move around to find a more comfortable position, you don't just lay there and tell yourself that you SHOULD be comfortable with a bed spring slowly grinding it's way into your vertebrae. So why should you expect that who you are is who you are, yes certain things you can't change (in the general sense), but most things you can change.
Clearly Change=Good
You CAN change your body image! You CAN change the cloths you wear! You CAN change the entire image you portray to the external world! And you can do all of this without changing who you are fundamentally as a person! So become what you want to be seen as! Because the truth is...

No One is Paying Attention...
Chances are that no one is even concerned with you, because hell, they are too busy think you are concerned with them! Most people drift through their days without even noticing anything around them, wrapped up in their own thoughts and activities. Remember that time you gave a speech in front of the whole class and stuttered through 90% of it? That's cool, cause no one else does, because while it was an adrenaline induced moment for you, it was just another boring student lecture about the life cycle of tree frogs to your classmates. So while you will forever consider that one of your most embarrassing moments, most of your classmates forgot it even happened before they left for 3rd period, if they even noticed in the first place, because honestly, that hot girl from econ class was outside doing yoga...in yoga pants!!!

"BUT!" You scream, about to pounce on me with your anomalous story, "....this one time, like, they still talk about." and to that  I say...

If You Manage to Get an Audience, Blow Their Minds!!!
Most people spend a good portion of their day just begging for attention, whether through controversial commentary, constantly making jokes or writing  prattling blogs. So if people are actually bother to step away from their own self adsorbed soap operas to give you a moments attention, you would be best to take full advantage of that scenario and keep them watching.
You better have something better prepared than that stupid 'robot dance' from the company picnic!
(insert abrupt change in subject)

You Can't Save Someone From Themselves...
If I have learn one thing, it's that most people are inherently self-destructive. I have yet to develop a working theory on why this is, but none-the-less it seems to be ever present. Trying to cope with someone else's self destructive tendencies is ridiculously difficult. All you want to do is help, but you can't because then you are the enemy. You can not get in between someone and their addiction, especially if that addiction is another person. We have a tendency to ignore how much dependent behavior is exhibited by individuals in an "unhealthy" relationship. Intimacy is one incredibly potent drug. We all know that love makes people do crazy things and maybe the single most crazy thing is to just ignore the advice of the people who have been there for them in the past, to just instantly accept the opinions and strategies of basically a stranger over the time tested wisdom of those who have guided them so successfully to this juncture in life.

And, if they are lucky, one day they snap out of the trance and admit how stupid they were, then without any logic, reasoning or rationality jump right back into the relationship they just publicly denounced, because as I presented above, intimacy is a potent and unexpectedly addictive drug. All a friend can do is sit on the sidelines because...

Never Give Advice...
No one is going to listen, it's that simple, if they ask for your advice, what they are really asking for validation of the decision they've already made. And if you don't? Then you are the bad guy, you have some sort of hidden agenda and are just jealous or something. The only thing you can do is sit and listen, and try your damnest not to slap them in the face for being so incredibly stupid. The craziest part is they know they are being stupid and this is the proverbial "cry for help," but when you come to help they will ultimately just turn it on you.

So my advice to you? Go out and learn for yourself, because I know you're not going to listen to me and that you are going to attempt to be friends with your ex, complain about things you can change about yourself, be worried about what people think, try to give advice and get screwed over, because, well, I can't save you from yourself.



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