Monday, March 24, 2014

5 Types of Insufferable Drivers

The world is filled with people who can't drive, seriously, many of the people who I encounter on my daily commutes shouldn't be allowed to navigate a grab claw at the local movie theater, let alone a multi-ton death machine. Yet they are allowed and due to the excessive efforts of those of us with a passable ability to propel our vehicles out of harms way, they get to and from their destination with little awareness of the pain and anguish they have caused along their route.

Each and every day I am forced to take to the roads with the knowledge that I am going to encounter a variety of annoying behaviors that drive me (pun?) absolutely bonkers. Because I spend a significant portion of my life in isolation I have taken to having elaborate conversions with myself, in these exchanges I have begun to identify some of the most rage inducing behaviors I encounter, and because if I list them here it seems like I'm productive and somehow less crazy I will lay them out for you.


Complete Stop Connie

Connie pulls up to a stop sign, in the middle of a vacant desert, at a crossroads where you can see for miles in every direction, there is no traffic anywhere to be seen. Hell, another car hasn't driven down this road since last Saturday. Connie comes to a complete stop, because anything else would be treason, then she sits for the obligatory three seconds, adds a couple more for safe measure, before slowly inching into the intersection.
Why...why would they bother to put this up!
She proceeds to see how slowly her car can accelerate. As soon as she reaches the posted speed limits she slams on her brakes, coming once again to a complete stop, which is apparently necessary in order for her to make a turn. One factor makes this is all the more infuriating, her middle name...

Directional Debby

Tracy never uses her turn signal, well never is an exaggeration as she loves to turn it approximately 30% of the way through the turn, engaging it just in time for it to never be automatically tripped off, leaving the signal to blink constantly for the next twenty miles, when she abruptly turns the opposite direction, leaving you to swerve off the road and watch from a ditch as she drives on, obliviously to your situation, but at least her turn signals and power steering seem to work properly, unlike...
#Truth however, more importantly, the entire above paragraph is just one run on sentence.

Need A Car Nancy

Nancy has owned the same car since the mid nineties, and it wasn't new when she bought it. Somehow she has managed to keep up general maintenance long enough for the vehicle to function. As she sputters down the road, blue smoke billows out of the exhaust, driving behind her has the same medical impact as chain smoking a carton of cigarettes.
As with all things, hot girls get an automatic pass on any of the listed transgressions.
At every stop light her vehicles shakes, any moment her car could burst into flames, the explosion just widespread enough to engulf your vehicle. As the light turns green you sigh a slight sign of relief, and then proceed to be stuck behind her driving 10 under the limit, but at least she has an excuse, unlike...

Too Slow Ted
Ted just bought a brand new muscle car, which he is apparently terrified of, at least that's the only explanation I can conjure up for why he is driving a 450HP corvette 45mph in a 55mph zone. This is a car that will top out at well over any reasonable driving speed, but Ted is afraid he won't be handle it if it hits the low 60's. Ted has saved up his whole life for this car, but refuses to explore the limits of it's potential because he is nearly retired from the Postal Service and developed the odd characteristic of self preservation. But Ted still has a beautiful car, the envy of many, including yourself as you fly by him in your '99 Tracker. But wait what is that I hear in the distance...
...but sometimes the Tracker has a Corvette motor...
Too Loud Trent
Trent has just got his first car, it only has two doors, which in Trent's mind means it's a race car. He bought the car for about $2,000 from the guy down the road, and has since pumped $6,000 of his parents money into meaningless "upgrades." The performance exhaust gives one a reminder of when little kids put baseball cards in their bicycle spokes to make engine sounds.
This guy is a douche, you know it, I know it, however, he somehow does not.
The subwoofers in the trunk shake the ill fitted and cracked body kit, allowing the entire neighboring community to enjoy a make shift symphony of plastic and metal rhythmically colliding to the beat of some indecipherable rap song. 

These are just a few of the personalities that manage to send me into self destructive rages, which mainly consist of me driving unsafe speeds through populated areas hoping that if I manage to get into an accident I can take one of these assholes off the road...if only for a few days. You're Welcome.

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