Friday, April 11, 2014

The Over Glorification of a Zombie Apocalypse

I now plan to discuss what may be the most over blogged about topic ever, Zombie's. Film geeks love zombie's, to the point where I am fully confident in stating that at least 60% of them actively spend time staring at the clock waiting for 11:11 so they can wish for a Zombie Apocalypse. This desire stems from the fact that these people wholeheartedly believe that they will survive the zombie hordes while the masses of society will be consumed by the epidemic. The flaws with this premise abound and the romanticism of post zombocalyptic life is rather misguided. So here is a tale of the reasons why Zombie fanatics would ultimately parish and why, for all intents and purposes, being zombified early is the better option.

Sitting around a coffee shop...
...contemplating zombie survival strategies is probably not the best form of preparation. This is the equivalent of a kid watching film footage of football games for ten years but never bothering to pick up a ball. Yes, he may have a good idea of what to do, but when it comes time to do it he will find he is ill prepared for the task.
Not intended for use in football or slaying of the undead.
Maybe the geeks should spend some time in the gym, because planning to get to the nearest grocery store might be a good idea but actually having the stamina to sprint for 2-miles is what you are going to want when a group of undead, therefore they perceive no pain or exasperation, co-workers come for you.

Weapons!
The general zombie themed conversations assume a level of expertise with weapons that seems awfully confident for a group of pacifists. I am not stating that a gun is a difficult devise to use, however, it does take at least a basic amount of knowledge to know which ammo goes to which gun, how to load said gun, and how to accurately and safely use said weapon to neutralize your target. Also, lets not forget that, in the case of an infestation, your target is moving at you and multiple targets may be converging at the same time from different directions. Yes, movies make it seem that you can wield a gun like Annie Oakley based solely on your Call of Duty experience, but maybe going to a local shooting range and figure out how to handle a gun might give you a better shot (PUN) at being able to successfully fend off the zombie stampede you find yourself up against.
Annie Oakley: Hotter on TV
You care too much
Killing people isn't an easy task, I have no personal experience but we all know it isn't, and it's way harder than you think it's going to be. It is unlikely you will find yourself waking up to a zombified world and be in some place where you know no one. It is far more likely you will wake up and you will find yourself staring at a loved one in the face or that girl from apartment 105, who seems nice but you were too much of a pussy to make a move and now she's trying to eat your face.

This has nothing to do with her political views, this is simply just her boyfriend's fetish.
Now you don't know right off that it is indeed an infestation, and in the early moments the infected are unlikely to have rotting flesh as they have only been dead for a couple hours at best, so now you must at least barricade yourself from this individual until you can confirm that there is indeed a larger problem at hand. However, it is unlikely you will be able to get any information as most forms of communication with certainly suffer and most people who have yet to be killed will all be doing the same thing as you, hiding in bathrooms wondering, "what the hell is going on."

Then you come to the conclusion, where you realize your options are starve to death in your bathroom, or kill someone you used to know. GOOD LUCK.

You did it!
You eliminated the threat, now hopefully you have some food in your apartment because you're going to be spending awhile there. Maybe you were smart and, in-between wishing for this day, you actually prepared by stockpiling weapons, food and water. Now you are alone, and your only company is your shotgun and the decaying corpse of your former friend. From this post you now must gather as much information on the nature of the disease, because eventually you're going to have to leave your shelter in search for more supplies. Luckily, you get the chance to watch the girl from apartment building across the way, you know the one you watch change and fantasize about, get bit and the subsequent transformation into a zombie. This confirms your theory again giving you another piece of information to fight the zombies. Finally, you thinks it's safe to remove the corpse, which is now probably infested with maggots (do they become zombies?). Sadly for you this does little to quell the stench, and you are forced to move sooner than you had wished.
He is just doing research into zombification.
...Wait the killing isn't done.
Prius wasn't exactly designed for such diverse terrain.


You're exhausted, shocked and...
You still have 2- miles to go because that pathetic 20yard sprint was in the wrong direction. Your adrenalin is pumping, something you haven't felt since the last Harry Potter midnight book sale, and you are still trying to regain your senses. Somehow you manage to not further perturb any zombies and make it to the Greens and Grains. As you approach the doors a squirrel runs out. You enter cautiously to find that the place has been ransacked, and that raccoons are eating the last of the Reese's as a chipmunk tries to negotiate his way out of a Twinkies' wrapper. The store smells rancid from the rotting meat, cheese, dairy products and of course the slaughter carcasses of former patrons.
Looks something like this plus squirrels and bodies. Bon appetite!
All the food is heavily infested with insects and you have not worked up enough of an appetite to try and stomach down anything that remains.

You move on.
You grab a bottle of water from the store and try to figure out what to do next, you assume that all the stores are in a similar state, you are running out of options and the smell of all the rotting corpses is getting worse in the midday heat. Just as you start to feel bad for yourself you are interrupted by a gang of hungry undead, you take up a position behind a abandoned car and, now somehow with no moral capacity left, start offing the group, you whittle the pack down to just one, but you need to reload. Just then the zombies head explodes, and you see a man in the distance with a rifle.


Thank God another person
You run up excited to see anyone with intact skin and who doesn't want to gnaw on your face. Unfortunately for you he is a lonely redneck shut-in and his plans for you are far more elaborate than sitting around a camp fire talking about philosophy and "why it had to come to this." It takes you almost the entire day to realize his intentions with you, but when it finally dawns on you, you make a brake for it, somehow you were clever enough to outsmart this gun obsessed hill billy.
He'll be your bestest friend.
Too bad he drove you 15 miles into the country and you have no idea where you are or how to survive in the wilderness, at least you don't have to worry about zombies tonight. You sleep.

You smell horrible...
You haven't showered since two days prior to the outbreak and now without the guise of the rotting corpses you become sickened by your own bodily odor. You are also hungry and parched, you hear some water nearby and head towards it for a drink and a quick bath, after bathing you set your sights on some food, it's early summer so berries and fruit are abundant. You find a raspberries bush and start eating, then your stomach feels queasy. Remember that water you drank, you now have dysentery.
I bought a green screen computer just to play the original Oregon Trail. That is dedication.
 If that doesn't kill you... 
...undoubtedly something else will, and even if you manage to survive all the perils of the wild, mixed with the trials and tribulations of a zombie infestation, odds are you will spend your every moment focused purely on surviving and will be all alone, not like the loneliness you feel now sitting at your computer with your cat as your only companion, no pure, 100% unadulterated, loneliness, think talking to a volleyball Castaway style.
And your friend won't even be as cool, probably just a rock you call Maurice. 
Note:  spread of the disease being through biting, or any transfusion of bodily liquids.

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