Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Why didn't anyone tell me!

I'm old. I came to this conclusion a couple weeks ago, it was pretty obvious when I watched what once would have been the funds for an epic adventure disappeared from my bank account to pay rent, electric and insurance bills, and groceries. And now that I am joining the ranks of the out-of-touch and wrinkly I have one complaint about all the adults who went before me:

"Why didn't you tell me!"

How Monotonous the World Truly is...

One day you wake up and you realize you're an adult, there is no warning, no neon sign with half naked women welcoming you to a new life of freedom and possibility. No, one day you wake up look in the mirror and scream, "Seriously! How did all the hair navigate from the top of my head to my back? Can hair move? Oh, Shit I'm late for work!" That's it, it's not even really an epiphany, more just an over dramatic realization that you look different. About 2-months later it will dawn on you that you have been an adult, by all definitions of the word, for at least the last 2-years and that you didn't even notice. You graduated from high-school so long ago that your not even sure whether you were the class of '05 or '03.
It hasn't hit him yet, I am assuming he doesn't own a mirror. Just a Guess.
At some point after college, I believe the day you walk across the stage, the world just changes, there are no more events, no more concerts to look forward to, no long breaks to visit with old friends and family. Life just becomes the same day repeated into a seemingly endless eternity. It's like Groundhogs Day, except if you rob a bank you go to jail and if you kill yourself, you die. So it's like the first 45 minutes of Groundhogs Day, boring repetitive sameness. You lose track of what month it is because it no longer matters, all that matters is if it's Monday or Friday.
"This is your life, and it's ending one day at a time"-Tyler Durden
Your favorite bands no longer tour because they are all either broken up or too busy making music you can't stand. And if you do decide to check out the Black Veil Brides concert, you quickly realize you are now the creepy old guy, trying desperately not to get to close to the 15-year-old in the mosh pit, the mosh pit you are no longer welcome in. So you cut your loses and go stand at the bar and make friends with a dad who is chaperoning his daughter and her friends. After the concert you go home and listen to that Papa Roach album, the one that came out FOURTEEN years ago.
I remember being yelled at for listening to this CD in 8th grade. On the old Mac Color, with NO INTERNET!
Young People Seem Stupid...
You aren't too offended by the awkward glances you got from the teen-boopers at the concert, because to you they are all mindless drooling morons. The way they dress upsets you ("is that boy wearing make-up") you have lost your ability to even decipher firmly between the genders, and they all sound so damn squeaky. Apparently the new fad is to suck down large quantities of helium and walk around the mall screaming, all while canoodling in public, in a way that makes you partially jealous until you realize touching high-school freshman is frowned upon in most states.
Gender ambiguity, the new sexy?
And Flying Spaghetti Monster forbid you get into any type of conversation with these...creatures(?), because the only outcome is either your brain exploding or the realization that you are screaming like a teabagger gone crazy (repetitive?). Nothing they say makes any sense, in fact, at times you're not 100% convinced they are even speaking English let alone trying to convey a deliberate thought. Then it dawns on you why so many adults hated your punk ass teenage self, and you have a small senile laugh.
What you look like to a teenager.
Where all the Money Goes...

I am not suggestion I wasn't aware that when I got older I would have to pay for ridiculous things like my own food and shelter. But when all is said and done the expected necessities only cost about 30% of monthly income, yet somehow I am always broke. It's all the little things that you never thought about that add up.

Are you aware of how expensive cloths soap is? Yeah a lot, somehow it seems like between detergent, bleach, stain remover, dryer sheets and whatever else is used to clean cloths, that I spend more money cleaning my cloths then I do buying them or hell cleaning myself!
And lets not even get me started on which product does what. I go with the try them all till one works approach. I have ruined a lot of stuff.
It's little examples like that, toilet paper, paper towels, shampoo, toothpaste, deodorant, razors ($15 for 4!), dish soap, sponges, garbage bags, you get the point, I honestly spend more money on these things than I do on food.

You Make No Friends

Parents never seem to have friends, but it's acceptable because they have children and well we were awesome, (right?).
Google "Parents friends" you get nothing. So here is a picture of tigers wrestling, or mating, depending on how sick and deprived you are...pervert.
In high-school it's basically impossible to not have social interaction with individuals you have something in common with. And if you fail to make friends you end up a crazy cat lady and the moral of the story is you were/are a weirdo and shouldn't be allowed near other people to begin with. In college it's a different atmosphere but due to forced social interaction like group projects and dorm rooms, you are basically forced into at least making acquaintances. So you are relatively protected for the first 18-22 years of life from having to actually put any effort forth in the "make friends" category of your to-do list.
Also you will have diverse group of friends. Not diverse in life style or socio-economic status, just diverse in skin tone, and possibly hair color. But seriously stay away from people who dress differently, they are the plague!
Then you enter the real world. Some people are buffered from this new friendless landscape by moving back to their hometowns where they reunite with old friends and make friends through them and so on and so forth. But for a good many of us we move out into the world at large, alone and friendless, thinking "hell I made friends everywhere else I went, so this will work out." (a year later you look around and think "shit, I forgot to make friends! What's wrong with me?")
2 years of adult life and you will be begging for this much attention.
The Internet doesn't help either. Because you have instant and constant access to your old friends you don't even realize you don't have friends who you can invite over, just like realizing you are old, one day you just sit alone with Netflix and a bottle of shiraz and it dawns on you that there is not a soul in 400+ miles who cares that you exist or even realizes you do to begin with.

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