Wednesday, April 23, 2014

5 Real College Tips

For millions of high school seniors the next few months will be filled with stress and anxiety as they make their final push towards getting into college. The summer months will be filled with orientations, class scheduling along with the excitement of finding living arrangements and buying new school supplies. Soon they will take off to different corners of the nation where they will meet new people, find out a lot about themselves, and a good portion will move home after, or even during, the first semester.
There are a plethora of articles about how to approach ones first year of college, most of these articles are written by some middle aged writer and has little to do with those walking through their University Gates. And you know what these articles are going to say, "get good grades, do an internship, network network network, volunteer...," you get the point, you've probably read the articles. While their advice is certainly accurate and should be taken seriously, you already knew it all, because it's the same shit that has been shoved down your throat you entire life by teachers, families and counselors. 
What I am hear to do is give some "REAL" tips for college, the stuff that few people write about, the decisions that will not only change what you are but who you are, and to do that you are going to need your comfort zone, and definitely your childhood bedroom...

Monday, April 21, 2014

Why Your Party Flopped

The holidays have come to an end and undoubtedly you attended a wide range of parties over the past month or so. Some of these parties were amazing, but most of these were just "meh." Why is it that so many parties fail while a distinct few succeed in glorious fashion?

Where's The Bar?

How many restaurants or clubs have you been to where you walk in and find it difficult to locate the bar? I predict the answer is none, and that if you thought of one, that place is no longer in business. Now, how many parties have you been to where you have to ask, "where are the drinks," this number is probably significantly higher.
I managed to leave out, "don't litter your couch with hunting trophies."

The bar is a social hot spot, this is where a whole mess of spontaneous social interaction takes place. So why is it that when we have a house party we hide the drinks? The drink table should be placed in a centralized location, which will elicit the most traffic and effectively force mingling. Also, assigning someone to be a bartender for at least the opening of the night will exponentially increase the bars social stimulating significance. But first...

Friday, April 18, 2014

Investing In Education

The other day I was fulfilling my guilty pleasure of reading the comments section of online news articles. The article I was reading about involved the growing cost of a college education and the subsequent bubble of student loan debt that is hanging over the country, to the tune of something in the ball park of $1,000,000,000,000.00 (That’s $1 trillion, but typing out all those zeros in much more dramatic). 
The loan debt could buy these ten companies, and there would still be $350 Billion left, enough to give every person in America over $1100. 
If you are a connoisseur of comment sections, as I adjudge myself to be, then you have undoubtedly come across a comment such as, and I am paraphrasing here, "if you want to go to college, you should get a job, save money and pay for it...blah blah blah...that's what I did with my house. Kids these days just want everything handed to them...blah blah...entitlement..." I stretched that out far longer than need be, but the point is in there. Apparently, going to college should be something you save up for and when you can afford it you go.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Things I Don't Understand

So before I start listing things, I would like to brief you on what you are about to read. Basically it's a list (duh!) of things that I have yet to find a reasonable explanation for, some are political, some are silly and some are down right just stupid. If you have what you think may be a legitimate explanation, or hell any explanation I will happily listen to whatever you have to say because I have hit the limit on the amount of brain cells I am willing to waste on these topics.

And off we go...

1. Why is it the law to where your seat belt. I believe this is the law in all 50 states, but even if I am wrong I know it's the law in a majority of states. If I decide not to where my seat belt, why is it the governments concern. I am not saying one shouldn't wear their seat belt, but it being a law makes no sense.
  • On that note: Helmet laws for motorcyclists: You will never find me riding without a helmet but I don't see why anyone should be fined for being a dumbass.
Both women in this photograph are criminals! Someone get these bitches off the streets!

Friday, April 11, 2014

The Over Glorification of a Zombie Apocalypse

I now plan to discuss what may be the most over blogged about topic ever, Zombie's. Film geeks love zombie's, to the point where I am fully confident in stating that at least 60% of them actively spend time staring at the clock waiting for 11:11 so they can wish for a Zombie Apocalypse. This desire stems from the fact that these people wholeheartedly believe that they will survive the zombie hordes while the masses of society will be consumed by the epidemic. The flaws with this premise abound and the romanticism of post zombocalyptic life is rather misguided. So here is a tale of the reasons why Zombie fanatics would ultimately parish and why, for all intents and purposes, being zombified early is the better option.

Sitting around a coffee shop...
...contemplating zombie survival strategies is probably not the best form of preparation. This is the equivalent of a kid watching film footage of football games for ten years but never bothering to pick up a ball. Yes, he may have a good idea of what to do, but when it comes time to do it he will find he is ill prepared for the task.
Not intended for use in football or slaying of the undead.
Maybe the geeks should spend some time in the gym, because planning to get to the nearest grocery store might be a good idea but actually having the stamina to sprint for 2-miles is what you are going to want when a group of undead, therefore they perceive no pain or exasperation, co-workers come for you.

The general zombie themed conversations assume a level of expertise with weapons that seems awfully confident for a group of pacifists. I am not stating that a gun is a difficult devise to use, however, it does take at least a basic amount of knowledge to know which ammo goes to which gun, how to load said gun, and how to accurately and safely use said weapon to neutralize your target. Also, lets not forget that, in the case of an infestation, your target is moving at you and multiple targets may be converging at the same time from different directions. Yes, movies make it seem that you can wield a gun like Annie Oakley based solely on your Call of Duty experience, but maybe going to a local shooting range and figure out how to handle a gun might give you a better shot (PUN) at being able to successfully fend off the zombie stampede you find yourself up against.
Annie Oakley: Hotter on TV
You care too much
Killing people isn't an easy task, I have no personal experience but we all know it isn't, and it's way harder than you think it's going to be. It is unlikely you will find yourself waking up to a zombified world and be in some place where you know no one. It is far more likely you will wake up and you will find yourself staring at a loved one in the face or that girl from apartment 105, who seems nice but you were too much of a pussy to make a move and now she's trying to eat your face.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Why didn't anyone tell me!

I'm old. I came to this conclusion a couple weeks ago, it was pretty obvious when I watched what once would have been the funds for an epic adventure disappeared from my bank account to pay rent, electric and insurance bills, and groceries. And now that I am joining the ranks of the out-of-touch and wrinkly I have one complaint about all the adults who went before me:

"Why didn't you tell me!"

How Monotonous the World Truly is...

One day you wake up and you realize you're an adult, there is no warning, no neon sign with half naked women welcoming you to a new life of freedom and possibility. No, one day you wake up look in the mirror and scream, "Seriously! How did all the hair navigate from the top of my head to my back? Can hair move? Oh, Shit I'm late for work!" That's it, it's not even really an epiphany, more just an over dramatic realization that you look different. About 2-months later it will dawn on you that you have been an adult, by all definitions of the word, for at least the last 2-years and that you didn't even notice. You graduated from high-school so long ago that your not even sure whether you were the class of '05 or '03.
It hasn't hit him yet, I am assuming he doesn't own a mirror. Just a Guess.
At some point after college, I believe the day you walk across the stage, the world just changes, there are no more events, no more concerts to look forward to, no long breaks to visit with old friends and family. Life just becomes the same day repeated into a seemingly endless eternity. It's like Groundhogs Day, except if you rob a bank you go to jail and if you kill yourself, you die. So it's like the first 45 minutes of Groundhogs Day, boring repetitive sameness. You lose track of what month it is because it no longer matters, all that matters is if it's Monday or Friday.
"This is your life, and it's ending one day at a time"-Tyler Durden
Your favorite bands no longer tour because they are all either broken up or too busy making music you can't stand. And if you do decide to check out the Black Veil Brides concert, you quickly realize you are now the creepy old guy, trying desperately not to get to close to the 15-year-old in the mosh pit, the mosh pit you are no longer welcome in. So you cut your loses and go stand at the bar and make friends with a dad who is chaperoning his daughter and her friends. After the concert you go home and listen to that Papa Roach album, the one that came out FOURTEEN years ago.
I remember being yelled at for listening to this CD in 8th grade. On the old Mac Color, with NO INTERNET!
Young People Seem Stupid...

Monday, April 7, 2014

21 Reasons to Love Erie

by: Andy Steinmetz

1. We Love Chocolate! (We even have a palace!)

2. Mighty Fine Donuts 

3. We spell dinor with an "O". 

Blame My Mom

I hate my parents. I know what you are thinking, "well that is awfully angsty for a grown man who still lives in his mom's basement!" But here me out, or hear me out because the latter actually makes sense, stupid fingers not understanding homophones.

My parents have always been supportive, if I decided to run off on a new career path my mom was always there with a tin of chocolate covered pretzels and a smile that in hindsight read more like, "Awe my son is going to add another failed endeavor to his list, what did I do to not deserve a son who grew up to be rich and buy me a house," rather than the reading at the time, "Oh, you're going to be great at (fill in random soon-to-be failure)." But I have to say, the chocolate pretzels taste the same in both scenarios, so I am chalking this one up as a win.

I was going to be an astronaut till someone told me the sky was the limit, "screw that"' Said 8-year old me.
You think I was joking about living in my moms basement, I'm not though, yes I moved out for years, lived all around the country and had every dead end job that one can physically possess in a seven year time period. I found myself voluntarily jobless at the end of 2011 and decided to take some time to see my family through the holidays, somehow that stretched into 26 months of living in my home town, I did move out for the summer and live with some college kids, but other than that short period I lived, clichély in my moms basement. But guess what you aren't here to listen about my life story, well, yes you are, just not that life story, so back to the topic.

Throughout my moves around the country I constantly downsized, storing more and more stuff with my parents. The other day I was searching for some camera equipment and had a nice flash back. My stuff consisted of scuba gear, bike equipment, a couple bass guitars, a slew of computer parts, boxes of football cards, hot wheels, beanie babies and the camera stuff I had been searching for. It was like walking through a grave yard of my dreams, from professional athlete to rock star, small business owner to computer geek. Do you know what it's like to have all your failures thrown in your face? I hope not, sincerely, because it sucked.
See I was in a rock band! On paper...literally!
To think this all could have been averted if only my loving mother  would have just said no, or went all tiger mom and forced me into learning the piano and studying anatomy books in elementary school. But no! My parents thought it would be a great idea to let me wander from one interest to another, successfully nurturing me into a "jack of all trades, master of none," which turns out, despite my deep seeded belief in my own awesomeness, to be a bad thing.

That deep seeded belief in my own awesomeness, where does that stem from? Clearly not reality, clearly not any reward for years of successful conquests, my childhood is a battlefield of wasted time and half-assed attempts at anything my silly brain could come up with.

You know what else? I have no creativity, none! I could have never been a rock star, rock stars moms didn't make them cookies for band practice, they threw empty beer bottles at them and told them they would be nothing! I have no obstacles to overcome, so I successfully became someone who runs away from walls of resistance, unless my mom is with me, because that woman gets shit done!

Landlord is being a jerk: Call mom
Taxes don't make sense: Call mom
The guy in apartment 406 is a bully: Call mom
Cops arrested you for soliciting a prostitute: Don't call your mom, she is already disappointed in you!
"...but mom, she said she thought I was funny!"
So when you go on a date with me, that your friend set me up on, because I am terrified of women, don't blame me when I cower in the corner while douchebag Brad tells you how the gap in your teeth disgusts him.

Yeah, you went home with him, but I forgave you...because I have no spine.
Don't be surprised with me when we get married (you like having a guy you can control) and the server charges us for a desert we never got and my mom unexpectedly shows up (I called her from the bathroom) to settle the check. And when it comes time to make a living for our children (we had to use in vitro because even my sperm are terrified of women) if you find my only useful career skill is being a middle manager at a retail outlet, but don't worry my mom was totally in the delivery room for the birth because I would have just passed out.
Hey it's me walking into the wilderness, by the way this ends with me hanging off a cliff 500 feet off the ground, tearing up, like a bitch. but that's a story for another day.
Wait...maybe that was my mom's plan all along! Make me helpless so I could never leave her, so she wouldn't have to go all crazy empty nest syndrome and baby sit other peoples kids, who definitely aren't as special as me, damnit! I knew she was smart but a quarter century plan to keep me from ever leaving home, that's cray cray...but does kind of make more sense than the other option, that I'm not as spectacular as I think I am...Hahahahahaha....

Why Being Twentysomething Sucks

Honestly the name of this article should read, "Why Being Stuck Between Adolescence and Adulthood Sucks for Anyone Who Has Failed to Carve Out Their Place In the World," but that is mighty wordy and certainly not as Google friendly. I have been a 26 for awhile now, almost as long as one can be a certain age before progressing on to the next number, but I have been stuck in the purgatory between adolescence and adulthood for years. In this tenure of uncertainty, I have come to realize a few stark realities about this phase, first off

No One Has Any Time

There used to be a time when I would spend my days killing time, not till some certain event, just simply killing time till it was once again time to go to sleep or kill more time. It was a never ending cycle of killing time and time killing. My friends and I developed quite a knack for it too, we had entire unspoken schedules of activities that would kill time, mostly wandering aimlessly around the mall and hoping to run into an acquaintance who would help us kill 15-20 minutes before heading over to Ponderosa to spend three hours eating at the buffet, ultimately turning our waitress into a mortal enemy.

Pictured: My Teen Years

Friday, April 4, 2014

562 Reasons Twentysomethings Are Sick of Buzzfeed

1. Stuff from when you were younger!

2. If we list enough things you are bound to relate to at least one!

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

5 Flappy Bird Life Lessons

They say, "timeliness is a key component of successful editorialization," but I never liked playing by their rules anyways, whoever “their” is referring to…I just assume the ambiguous “man,” but I digress. This morning I was mindlessly killing time, in the pursuit of something to write about, when I realized that I could just forgo the traditional routes of brainstorming and write about what I was mindlessly wasting my time doing, namely Flappy Bird. It dawned on me that Flappy Bird is a great metaphor for life, and with that comes a handful of great life lessons.

What would be the use of this realization if I didn’t turn to the trusty Internet to expound upon these ideas and share them with the world? Useless, I say, useless! So in pursuit of fulfilling my duty to the Internet community and thereby the world at large I present you with my, not-at-all thrown together list of “Flappy Bird Life Lessons…”

5. Never Give Up
I’m not entirely sure how my phone survived the first couple weeks of me playing Flappy Bird. It seemed like I was playing the game simply to eat away at any self confidence I had wandering around in my soul. I would fail, over and over and over, sometimes failing to even get through the first pipe, constantly questioning my value as a member of society. 

“How can one be so bad at something so simple,” I thought, whilst flogging myself.